Secrets And Lies
by fc2001
Summary: [COMPLETE] Two people engage in a desperate race against time to get back to County General and an old friend...
1. Prologue

_Authors Notes_: I know I've got half a dozen stories not finished, but this one was itching to get out. Thought it was about time I dragged my writing right up to date, and gave the current crop of characters free rein in a story.

Secrets and Lies Prologue 

Susan reached out a hand and smoothed back her best friends hair from a now fevered brow. Her eyes took in the full scale of what had happened for the first time, exactly what a shell her Chief Resident had become. She sighed heavily in the silence of the exam room.

"Abby," 

She whispered softly. The formerly erratic gaze focussed on her with a pinpoint accuracy. The sadness in those eyes mirrored what she imagined lay in her own.

"I don't need to tell you how bad this is, do I?"

Abby shook her head; just the most minimal of movements to affirm she knew this was it. This was the end.

"Without a donor…"

"I won't make it until tomorrow,"

The voice was harsh, croaked, but the words were so bitterly true. Susan nodded sadly. Abby had known this day would come. She had accepted her fate if not with grace then with a great deal of courage. Susan, on the other hand, had never wanted this day to come. She had never wanted to go head to head with the loss of a woman who had been her best friend for such a long time. She had never wanted to watch Abby die, but that was what she was forced to do.

"Do you want heroic measures?"

She asked quietly, knowing the answer already. Abby just stared at her.

"I need to hear it, Abby, you know that,"

Susan added. Abby shook her head.

"No, no. Just let me go,"

Tears stung the sides of Susan's eyes. She wasn't sure she could. She wasn't sure she'd be able to let her go. But she looked into her friend's eyes, and she knew that was what she wanted. That she wanted to die in peace. That if her life couldn't be untroubled, at least her death could be.

"I think it's time…"

The voice crackled over a dry throat, and Abby had to struggle for her next breath before she could continue to speak.

"…I think it's time to make those calls I asked you to,"

Susan nodded her understanding, rose in silence from her friend's bedside.


	2. Secrets and Lies Chapter 2

Secrets and Lies – Chapter 2.

The door closed softly behind Susan, and Abby turned her head away from the door. She pressed her cheek against the pillow, stared vacantly out the window. It was getting late, the sky had begun to darken. Night was falling, and her body was failing her.

Without a miracle, this would be the last time she saw nightfall. She wouldn't wake and see the dawn again. This reality had settled heavy on her heart in the past few hours.

The silence in the room was soothing to her racing mind. She could hear life outside in the corridors, but nobody disturbed her, alone on her deathbed. They were probably all afraid, and she couldn't blame them for that.

She was terrified too. Would death hurt? Would she even know it had happened? What happened afterwards? She had seen so much death in her career as a doctor, but she had never been so starkly brought face to face with her own mortality as she was now. Was there an afterlife? She wasn't sure what she believed.

Other questions raced in her mind as well. Would they come? Would Susan carry out her last wish despite the personal feelings that were involved? Would they make in time? There was nothing like leaving things until the last minute. Never do today what you can do tomorrow, but now she had no more tomorrows. Her chances had run out. And it was now or never.

She wasn't sure what she hoped to achieve by contacting them again. Peace? She let go of any concept of that an awful long time ago. Right about the time she started to drink again. Right after they had broken her life in half. Forgiveness? Was this for her or for them? Was she doing this to hurt them one more time? To break them as they had broken her.

She only hoped they would try to get back to her. If she had ever meant anything to either of them, they would. He had claimed to love her. She'd been one of her best friends. Could they come back? Had she meant enough to them?


	3. Secrets and Lies Chapter 3

Author's Notes: Standard disclaimers apply, in case I forgot to put that already. I own almost nothing – except Louisa (who is Sam's second child, born 2 years before this story begins). Enjoy!

Secrets and Lies – Chapter Three

Susan wandered slowly back to the admit desk, eyes glazed, unable to focus.

"Sam,"

The nurse turned slowly, swivelling awkwardly on the chair due to her increasing size. She went to get up, but Susan raised a hand to stop her.

"Do you still have that number for Neela?"

Sam nodded slowly, her eyes heavy and tired, reflecting what Susan suspected lay in her own.

"It's in my cell,"

She answered quietly.

"Why?"

Susan sighed, and braced herself against the admit desk, her body completely drained, legs unable to support her any more. Sam placed a supportive hand on her shoulder.

"Abby doesn't have long left, Sam,"

Her voice faltered, and tears began to fall softly down her cheeks. Sam's hand moved in rhythmic circles on her back, in a soothing motion similar to that she would use to comfort Alex or Louisa were they upset.

"Is it that bad?"

Sam tried to sound as if the new had come as a surprise, and failed. Susan swallowed hard before answering, the truth forming a lump in her throat.

"Without a donor, she's got hours left,"

The nurse nodded slowly, contemplating her next question very carefully.

"Did she…Do you think it's a good idea? To call Neela, I mean,"

Susan turned her head, met damp eyes with damp eyes, and answered in a mere whisper.

"She asked me to,"

Sam's eyes widened in a form of disbelief, but then who were they to deny a friend and colleagues dying wishes? Susan nodded knowingly, acknowledging the disbelief.

"Is she conscious?"

"For now,"

Susan replied, as flatly as possible.

"My cells in my coat pocket in the lounge. Do you want me to get it?"

Sam again went to stand, but Susan stilled her with a hand on her arm.

"Do you mind if I…? I'd like to do this,"

Sam shook her head. Susan needed to do this, she could sense. She needed to do the one last thing her friend asked of her. The attending receded towards the lounge. At the very last minute a thought struck her, and she turned back to face Sam.

"Sam, can you call Mercy for me, find out if Dr Barnett still works there?"

"She wants him?"

Sam remarked bitterly, her tone hard on the word "him". She couldn't hide her distaste for their former colleague. Susan simply shrugged. She couldn't explain it either, but for whatever reason it was what Abby wanted.

"Sam…"

Susan warned darkly, retreating into the lounge. Sam simply sighed, confused by what the logic was, turned back to the desk and began hunting for Mercy's number.


	4. Secrets and Lies Chapter 4

Author's Notes: Thank you for the positive feedback – I promise the pay off from all this build up will appear eventually! Sorry for the short chapters – can only really write in bite size pieces due to a recurrent neck problem that limits the time I can spend at the computer right now.

**Secrets and Lies**

Chapter Four 

"Hi, good evening. This is Charge Nurse Sam Taggart, over at County ER. I'm just phoning to enquire if a Dr Barnett still works for you?"

Her phone manner kicked in instantly. She managed to suppress her emotion, her tiredness, and her anger at having to do this in the first place, to keep her tone light and professional.

"Ray? He does, but he's not here now,"

The voice on the other end of the line was hesitant, clearly suspicious. You and me both honey, Sam thought, you and me both.

"Do you know where he is?"

She asked, twisting the phone cord back and forth between her fingers.

"Why are you asking?"

"I have news regarding an old friend,"

Her tone was remarkably even. She shocked even herself. But then, she'd always had a highly developed ability to repress.

"He's down in Philadelphia, visiting for his mom's birthday I think,"

"Do you have a contact number? I wouldn't ask if it wasn't urgent,"

She tried to sound more insistent, without allowing emotion into her voice. She tried to impress upon this anonymous woman how important this was without being forced to be confrontational.

"I'm not sure…"

"Listen…"

Sam paused pointedly, allowing the voice on the other end of the line to finally introduce herself.

"Amy,"

The answer came quickly, defensively.

"Listen, Amy. I know you're suspicious of me. But this old friend of his – she's dying. And one of her last wishes was to see him,"

She practically hissed it into the receiver. She still couldn't quite believe she was doing this. After everything that had happened, why of all people did Abby want him around again? It didn't make sense to Sam.

"Really?"

"I swear. Will you help?"

"I think I've got his mom's number, hang on…"

The woman left the phone, and Sam scrabbled for a pen. She wrote the given number on the back of her free hand.

"Thank you,"

She added curtly, and put the phone down before Amy could say another word. Sam sat in silence for a minute, staring at the number on the back of her hand.

Rage still boiled deep down in her soul about what had gone on so many years ago, all the things that had happened, some of which even he still knew nothing about. She knew she could never forgive it, were it her in Abby's place. She doubted even she ever would forgive her own role in what happened. But somehow, Abby was willing to. Abby was willing to see them one last time before she died. Maybe it would give her the peace Sam knew she longed for. And for that reason, and that reason alone, she was willing to put personal feelings aside and call the one person who's voice she had always sworn she never wanted to hear again.


	5. Secrets and Lies Chapter 5

Author's Notes: This chapter takes place at two locations, as indicated in text (was the only way I could get it to divide clearly) Hope it makes sense.

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 5**

County General ER

Susan sat in the lounge by the phone, Sam's cell lying on the desk beside her. Her fingers hovered over the numbers, her hand physically shaking. Bile burned the back of her throat, and she was still crying. She couldn't quite believe she was about to do this. She waited a moment; sure she would have to run out of tears eventually.

She forced herself to dial, overcoming the hate and the fear that burned in her stomach, swallowing the heavy lump in her throat. The phone only rang three times before it was answered.

"Hello?"

An unfamiliar singsong voice answered the phone brightly. She hesitated momentarily. Relief invaded her body; glad she didn't have to speak directly to Neela. She wasn't quite sure she was ready for that yet.

"Is Dr Rasgotra there please?"

She fumbled over the unfamiliar second name. Once upon a time she could have pronounced it without a second thought, but now it was a bitter memory in the mists of time and she struggled.

"She's at work, can I ask who's calling please?"

The voice remained almost falsely cheery. It did grate slightly, but Susan remained focussed. She had to otherwise she'd break down again.

"This is Dr Susan Lewis at County General in Chicago. Do you have a way to contact her?"

"Yes, yes I do. Is it important?"

"She will want to hear this right away,"

She insisted, emphasis heavy on the final two words.

"What's the message, Dr Lewis?"

"Tell her…"

She faltered, her breath catching. She knew what news like this would do to the younger woman, but yet also knew it was probably the last thing she would ever do for Abby. She didn't understand it, but she'd always been loyal to a fault and that wouldn't change now.

"Tell her Abby's dying, and won't see morning,"

"Oh,"

It probably wasn't quite the news the other woman had expected. Susan sighed heavily.

"It's really important she gets this message,"

"I understand,"

The words came slowly, softly. The phone clicked back into place. There, she'd done it. She didn't know how she would have reacted had Neela answered the phone and was secretly glad she hadn't had to find out.

Neela's Work

Fingers slowly massaged her temples, and she glanced up at the digital clock over the counter one more time. Only two minutes since she'd last looked at it. 8:05pm. An hour until she finished. She had a headache, and all her limbs were lead weights.

"Neela,"

She turned at her name on her manager's lips. The older woman held out the phone to her.

"Call for you,"

She left the desk and crossed quickly to the phone.

"Make it quick,"

Her manager hissed in her ear. Why she wasn't sure. The shop was dead, and the shelves were stocked. There really wasn't anything to do.

"Yes?"

"Neela, it's Jenny,"

Her babysitters voice filtered into her brain and she instantly feared the worst. Her daughter. What had happened?

"Jenny, what's wrong? What happened? How's Mina?"

"Relax, Mina's fine," 

Her shoulders relaxed, her fingers released their vice grip on the phone cord. Jenny paused, her breathing faltered.

"Jenny?"

She questioned again. Why would she phone her at work anyway?

"I had a woman on the phone. From County General - a Susan Lewis?"

"Yes,"

"Anyway, she said to let you know…. to let you know that Abby's dying and won't see morning, "

Her body went cold. How had Susan gotten her number? And why had Sam broken the promise she'd made? That she'd let her know when it happened, not before. Chicago beckoned to her from the deep mists of her memory, and she shivered involuntarily.

"Neela? Does that make sense to you?"

She nodded, before realising Jenny couldn't see her.

"Yes, yes, Jenny it does,"

"Are you going to go?"

"Back to Chicago? I have to,"

She affirmed quietly, planning it all in her head. She would take Mina back to the scene of the crime that had so plagued her young life so far. She would face the demons she'd hoped she'd buried. And she would say a proper goodbye to the friend she'd so betrayed.

"The Greyhound gets here in about a half hour. Shall I get you a bag ready?"

Jenny said earnestly, clearly keen to help.

"Yes, Jenny, that'd be great. Get Mina ready too,"

"I'll bring them down to the shop,"

She hung up then, and spun on her heel to face the manager, who'd been glaring at her, clearly seething, from the corner through the whole phone call.

"Meg? I have to go,"

She called over to her boss. The redhead cocked her head.

"You have to? You've got another hour!"

"One of my family is very sick. I have to get home,"

The lie came remarkably easily. She couldn't bring herself to care very much about lying to Meg. She didn't pay her enough to care about the odd lie.

"Oh, I see, oh well, that's different,"

Meg back-pedalled quickly. Neela left her post, crossed to the staff room door, and clocked herself out. She marched herself out the front door to wait on Jenny.


	6. Secrets and Lies Chapter 6

**Secrets and Lies **

**Chapter 6**

Before she had time to analyse her feelings on the subject any further, she snatched up the receiver again and dialled. In the seconds that followed, she did contemplate slamming it back onto its cradle and not doing this, but this contemplation was ended when a woman answered the phone.

"Hello?"

She hesitated all of a sudden. His mother. A woman not only had Sam never met, a woman Sam doubted she could ever meet, not knowing what she knew about her son. How much did his mother know? How much of what went on in his life did he tell her about? Then she remembered that there were things about this situation that even he didn't know.

"Hi there. This is Sam Taggart at County General ER in Chicago. Is Ray there please?"

She followed her abrupt pause smoothly, introducing herself and trying to paste over the rapidly opening cracks in her own façade. There was a moments silence on the other end of the line, then a shuffling noise, before anyone spoke again.

"Hello?"

The voice was unmistakeable. A knot turned in Sam's gut that she tried very hard to ignore. This wasn't for her, this was for Abby. The more that thought turned in her brain, the more she hated him all over again.

"Ray?"

"Yeah. Who's this?"

Clearly, her voice was less memorable. She sighed heavily before answering. This could be worse than she thought.

"Sam. Sam Taggart,"

She allowed a pause for her words to sink in, but got nothing. No recognition at all. She could just imagine his blank expression.

"County General ER,"

She added finally, hoping to jog his memory. Something clearly clicked at that point. Yes, she thought bitterly, I'm the one who knows more than she ever wanted to about your sordid little life.

"Yeah. Sam. I remember. How's County life these days?"

"This isn't a social call,"

Her words were terse, clipped short by the acid in her tone. She barely wanted to be speaking to him, let alone engage him in proper conversation. She couldn't help how she felt about him. It was irrational, but it was also all too real even after all this time.

"I'm phoning to let you know – Abby will be dead by morning. She wants to see you. I think you owe it to her to get here,"

He owed it to her? He more than owed it to her to get here. Sam couldn't hide the faint note of bitterness in her voice any longer.

"She's dying?"

He sounded almost surprised. He'd known she was ill. She was ill before he left for Mercy. Surely, he couldn't have expected this to be good news.

"Without a miracle, yes,"

Sam answered honestly. She couldn't quite believe it herself. After 5 years, it could all be over in a matter of hours.

"I'll be there,"

And for once in his life, she believed him.


	7. Secrets and Lies Chapter 7

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 7**

He put the phone down and stared silently at it for a long minute, before his mother disturbed his reverie.

"Bad news?"

She said, placing a supportive hand on his shoulder. He nodded, still silent. The news hadn't quite filtered in all the way yet, hadn't quite had time to get so under his skin he could have any kind of emotional reaction.

"Didn't you used to work at County?"

Sam's voice had been a heavy blow from the past. He may have pretended not to recognise her, but how could he have forgotten her? She hated him, and she made only a thinly veiled attempt to hide it during their conversation.

"Yeah, a few years back,"

He answered his mother's question, turning to face her at last.

"Why did they call?"

A long sigh escaped him, as he tried to formulate a suitable answer. His mother knew very scant information about his time at County. She certainly did not know all that had gone on, though she would probably recognise Abby's name if he mentioned it.

"Abby. You remember her right? She's dying,"

He watched the shock cross his mother's expression at his bluntness.

"What? What of…?"

"Liver failure. She was…she is an alcoholic,"

He corrected automatically. Never recovered, always recovering, hadn't she once told him? He'd seen her begin to descend back into it. He'd seen her get ill. He hadn't stuck around to watch though.

"Are you going back? Shall I get your things?"

"Do you mind?"

The head shake was small but genuine. He wished this had happened at any other time, so he hadn't had to involve his mother. But he knew he had to go back. It wouldn't be easy, he was under no illusions there, but if Abby wanted him, she had to have her reasons for that.

"I know how you felt about her."

He allowed himself a half-smile. How he'd felt? Yeah, he remembered that. He remembered the bitterness, the anger, the guilt, and the pain he'd left in his wake. He struggled to remember what the good times had been like, though he was sure there must have been some.

"I'll drive you to the airport,"

His mother added finally.

He talked his way onto the next flight into Midway once they got to the airport, charming the girl at the airline desk, and said a swift goodbye to his mother. In reality, he was sick with fear at the very idea of going back, but for once in his life he was utterly determined to do the right thing.


	8. Secrets and Lies Chapter 8

Secrets and Lies Chapter 8 

"Neela,"

She turned to face the redhead, whose concern was clear in her eyes. Jenny had been her best friend, her only friend, in the last 5 years and was certainly the only one who knew anywhere close to the full story outside of County ER.

"Yeah?"

Mina stood quietly behind her mother's leg, still sleepy from being roused. Jenny shifted her weight nervously before speaking again.

"Are you sure?"

Neela tilted her head curiously at her friend, trying hard to smile.

"I have to go,"

She affirmed again. Jenny looked unconvinced. The tone was less than sincere.

"What if _he's_ there?"

Jenny asked, her tone necessarily cryptic. Neela just shrugged. The thought had crossed her mind, but she had been trying to avoid analysing it. This wasn't about him, it was about Abby. With that, the bus arrived, the doors opening with a loud hiss. She pulled Jenny to her in a swift but genuine hug.

"Don't worry, Jenny, I'll be fine,"

She whispered in her friend's ear.

"Good luck,"

Jenny added, reaching one hand down to affectionately ruffle her goddaughters hair. Neela turned and got on the bus, her daughter firmly by the hand. She settled into a seat by the window, fussing over Mina, fastening her seatbelt and straightening her clothes.

"Mommy,"

Mina was growing up Americanised, which couldn't be helped she guessed, but it still shocked her to hear it.

"Yes honey?"

"Where are we going?"

"Chicago,"

She answered simply. Mina looked puzzled.

"Will I like it there?"

"I hope so,"

Mina seemed placated by this answer. She turned her head back to the window and watched the streetlights of her comfort zone recede into the distance, until all she could see was the black unknown all around her.


	9. Secrets and Lies Chapter 9

**Authors Notes:** _Italics_ equal flashbacks. I'm planning on using an awful lot more of them as the tale unfolds. Wait and see...

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 9**

She perched uneasily on the stool, finding grace difficult in the last stages of this her third pregnancy, bathed in the half-light of the room and feeling distinctly unnerved by the atmosphere. Abby's gaze was fixed on the window, far in the middle distance. Even in the dim light, the ravages of her illness were clearly visible, the yellowness of skin and nails in stark contrast to the white sheets.

"Did you want something?"

Abby spoke sharply, not turning her gaze from the window. Sam faltered momentarily. What did she want? To make her see sense? To finally reveal the secrets that burdened her in this the autumn of Abby's life?

"To see you,"

She answered honestly.

"It's funny how everybody wants to see you when you're dying. It's like I'm some sort of freak show,"

Abby turned to her, eyes burning in the shadows.

"I…we only care,"

"What do you really want, Sam?"

Abby demanded breathlessly, and Sam flinched at the bluntness.

"Why do you want them here, Abby?"

"Why do you care?"

"After what they did? Yes, dammit, I care,"

She spat back, furiously. Enraged by the way she had been forced to lie those years ago and had been forced to continue to lie when they'd both walked away. Her own role in the situation, her own hand in Abby's demise burdened her.

"Why shouldn't I want them? Why shouldn't I drag them back? Tell me, why shouldn't I make them suffer?"

Sam found herself lost for words in the face of this painful honesty. But, she decided firmly, if they had to suffer then so did she.

"In that case, so should I,"

She muttered softly. Abby stared at her, alert and clearly curious.

"Sam?"

"I should suffer too,"

She whispered again, barely audible over the noise of the monitors. But Abby heard her all right.

"I knew you had ulterior motive,"

Abby quipped sarcastically. Sam shuffled her feet against the floor, forced to remember her guilty secret once more.

"I…. I…"

_She turned away as quickly as she saw it, but couldn't forget what she saw. She heard furious, frantic shuffling behind her._

"_Sam…"_

_It was Neela who spoke. She turned, fixed them both with a level stare._

"_It's not…"_

_He began to speak, but froze when she whipped her eyes round and hardened her stare on him. _

"…_What I think?"_

_She finished, the question purposely sharp, the inflection in her voice saying everything her words didn't._

"_I may only be a nurse, but I'm not an idiot,"_

_She continued, her words coming out razor edged, her eyes flicking impassively between them, noting the guilt and fear on both faces._

"_Don't try and excuse yourselves,"_

_Neela moved to protest, but Sam threw up a hand to stop her._

"_I'm not going to say anything,"_

_Sam felt her insides twist as she said it, knowing she'd live to regret it, knowing it forced her to lie. She took a long, slow breath, and then continued to speak._

"_As long as this stops now…"_

"You knew?"

Abby drew in a long, laboured breath, as if the revelation had winded her. Sam nodded sadly.

"You didn't tell me,"

"No,"

She admitted weakly, ducking her head to avoid the now accusing glare.

"What? I didn't deserve to know?"

Sam shook her head vigorously; knowing her position now seemed indefensible.

"You've got to understand the position I was in…"

Her protestation was futile, and even to her it sounded pretty feeble. Since when had she, Sam Taggart, not had the strength to stand right in the middle of conflict? Since when had she not told the truth and hang the consequences?

"Understand? All I understand, Sam, is that you lied to me,"


	10. Secrets and Lies Chapter 10

Authors Notes: Sorry for the delay. Enjoy. Again _italics_ mean flashbacks!

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 10**

Neela glanced down at her watch. 9:30pm. An hour and a half since the phone call, and here she was on a bus nearly halfway back to Chicago. Mina had fallen asleep, her small dark head resting in her lap. She couldn't seem to shake the feeling that Jenny had been right to be concerned. The closer Chicago got, the more her nerves twisted inside her and the bigger the knot in her gut became.

She wasn't sure how this was supposed to make her feel. Her best friend was dying. Her former best friend, she corrected automatically. Was she brave enough to do this? Was she strong enough? Abby had made it perfectly clear exactly how she'd felt.

"_It isn't what you think…Abby, it isn't…"_

_His voice trailed off uselessly. A hand clamped down on her shoulder, the grip vicelike. She was wheeled round mid-step. Before she could say anything, Abby's free hand struck her full across the face. _

_"It's exactly what I think,"_

_Abby spat acidly. She screwed her eyes shut, tried to recover herself from the blow. Her skin pricked with thousands of tiny red-hot needles, the pain suitably sharp and bitter. _

"_How could you? Just tell me, how could you?"_

_Words failed her completely. She just stared blankly at her friend's fury. The tiny frame shook with anger, and her silence seemingly frustrated Abby. The first shove was tentative, a warning shot._

"_Go on…try and explain yourself…."_

_Abby challenged, pushing her again, a little harder this time. She was forced to take a step backwards._

"_Tell me it didn't mean anything…that you didn't mean to hurt me…"_

_The impact came deliberately harder this time. As she took her backwards step, her foot caught on the uneven surface. Unbalanced, she felt her weight crash towards the ground. Her eyes remained tight shut, bracing herself for the impact. She landed awkwardly, her hip cracking off the asphalt surface._

"_Abby…"_

_He sounded almost shocked. Her eyes opened again, and she looked up just in time to see Abby round on him. _

"_What? Come to defend her honour have you?"_

_One hand rubbed her sore hip; the other touched her stomach tentatively. He glanced down at her fleetingly. _

"_Abby…hear me out…"_

_The all too familiar crack rang out again, and she felt the sting anew. _

"_Screw you,"_

_Footsteps stormed off across the ambulance bay. The words buried themselves deep in her heart. Silence hung in the air between them. She couldn't move, physically or mentally, she was frozen._

"_Well, that went well…"_

_His trademark sarcasm kicked in, as familiar a defence mechanism as denial. She snapped her eyes up, ready to lay into him. A hand covered the side of his mouth, the skin around it red and angry. _

"_Are you OK?"_

_He asked gently, focussing his gaze on her instead of in the middle distance. She tried to nod, feeling for the first time a tight band of pain around her stomach. _

"_Neela?"_

_He questioned again. Again, she tried to nod, but the pain intensified. She struggled to get back to her feet, but found her limbs no longer under her control. _

"_Let me give you a hand,"_

_She took his offered hand, allowed him to pull her to her feet. He regarded her with a puzzled look on his face._

"_I'm fine,"_

_She said evenly, pulling her hand away sharply. Her hip ached, and she knew it would be a cracking bruise, but it was the pain in her stomach she was really worried about. She couldn't tell him that though. She limped slowly back into the hospital and across to the elevator._

She laid a hand flat against her cheek, still able to feel the sting of skin on skin. She'd deserved it. She'd more than deserved it. The bruise had been spectacular, black and purple mottle, spreading over her entire upper thigh. In the days after, she'd sat at home, shut in her room, and prodded it periodically. Just to make it hurt. Just to keep it all real, to stop her head from spinning away from her.

Would Abby have done what she did if she'd known? Would she still have reacted with such violence? The bitter words, the fury, she could almost cope with. It was the fact that she'd turned violent. She'd been completely out of control. But if she'd known…even in her betrayal would Abby have risked her friend having to go through the very same thing that had driven them all to that bitter end in the first place?

"_Neela?"_

_Janet Coburn fixed her with a stare that was somewhere between businesslike and mothering. She fidgeted nervously on the edge of the bed._

"_Thanks for seeing me,"_

"_What can I do for you?"_

_The OB pulled a stool to the side of the bed in a swift and efficient movement. Neela played the hem of her shirt backwards and forwards between her fingers nervously. _

"_I've been having stomach pains…I took a fall and I just want to check everything is OK,"_

_The OB nodded, making a few quick notes. _

"_How far along are you?"_

"_I think I'm about 12 weeks,"_

_Janet nodded, again scribbling. She allowed herself a wry smile. She didn't think she was 12 weeks, she knew exactly_ _how far along she was. She could pinpoint the night of this baby's conception. _

"_If you just want to lie back, I'll just check things out for you,"_

"_I don't want to lose this baby,"_

_Despite herself, tears prickled at her eyes, as she shifted uncomfortably back onto the bed. She looked over to the older doctor, and almost thought she saw sympathy in her eyes. _

"_One step at a time, Neela, let's check you out first,"_

_Janet gestured to her shirt as she finished speaking. She pulled it up to reveal her already slightly rounded stomach._

She had been genuinely terrified. She had seen the devastation that a miscarriage could cause close up, and she wasn't sure she could have gone through that. She'd been lucky though. For whatever reason, her little girl had been a fighter from day one. Mina had had to be. Her young life hadn't been easy.

_The baby was taken from her in such a hurry, she knew something was wrong. The PICU team worked furiously on the tiny infant who was completely, deathly silent. She looked at Jenny, frantic but too exhausted to show it._

"_You have a baby girl,"_

_The OB resident said softly, trying to distract her._

"_What's wrong?"_

_Jenny found her voice, and used it for both of them._

"_She's having a few difficulties breathing. She'll be fine, you'll be able to hold her soon,"_

_How helpless it felt to sit there and watch them work when she knew exactly what they were doing she could barely bring herself to describe._

"_I'm going to lose her,"_

_Fear invaded her voice, and Jenny picked up on it._

"_No, you aren't. She's going to be strong, just like her mother,"_

_Jenny reassured, fingers entwined tight around hers. Sure enough, the cry they'd all waited to hear filled the room. It was sound she would come to dread, but in that moment, it filled her heart to bursting. Her daughter was alive._

Mina stirred gently in her sleep, her dreams clearly active and exciting. She paused in her nostalgia and looked down at her daughter. Mina was a bright, beautiful 5 year old. She couldn't help but be proud of herself. Barely an adult herself in any real sense when she'd brought this life into the world, she'd coped by herself, and raised a pretty good kid. She couldn't regret for a minute keeping her. Her life withoutMina would be sad and empty, and she shivered just thinking about it.

So she sat there, one hand stroking her daughter's hair, and allowed the bus to take her back to a past she'd thought she'd escaped, allowed the memories she'd thought long buried to resurface.


	11. Secrets and Lies Chapter 11

Author's Notes: Apologies for the slow update.

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 11**

The bus weaved its slow way into the city centre, through the streetlights, along once familiar streets. She felt chilled to her very core. She was going back to face the woman she'd wronged…back to the workplace she'd left disgraced and demeaned.

_She slid out of bed, the floor cold beneath her bare feet. She shivered, half from the cold, half from the memories. She didn't turn back, but did catch sight of him in her mirror. Still asleep, breathing deep and regular._

_Her own breath caught in her throat. She pulled her robe from the back of the door, fastened it tight around her. She stepped out into the hall, allowed the door to close behind her._

_She wished last night hadn't happened, as hard as she could, but it had. It hadn't been a dream, not this time. She'd known that from the minute she'd woken up in the tangle of sheets and limbs, his hand lying heavy on her bare stomach._

_And now she had to go into work. She had to face her colleagues. She had to face Abby._

How had she done it? How had she lied to Abby? How had she been so callous and so…so cruel? To this day, she couldn't answer that question.

The bus pulled into the bus terminal, the doors sliding open again with a familiar loud hiss.

"Mina…Mina, honey, wake up,"

Her daughter sat up slowly, eyes bleary with sleep. A pang of guilt turned her stomach. How could she do this to Mina? This wasn't fair on the girl. She knew nothing of her past, and she was too young yet to understand. Yet, she'd dragged her right back into the middle of it.

"Are we there, Mommy?"

She pursed her lips, drew a long breath to stop from crying, and answered.

"Yes, honey, we are,"

"Do we have to go far?"

Mina said sleepily, those deep brown eyes staring up at her. She was sure her daughter was wise beyond her years. She got that feeling every time she looked into those soulful eyes.

"Not far,"

Neela pulled the overnight bag down from the locker, reached out for Mina's hand. Together, they got off the bus. She stopped a moment to look around and get her bearings.

"This way, Mina,"

Walking with a new purpose, she headed towards the EL. The EL platform wasn't busy. She strode purposefully onto the train, chose a seat and pulled Mina onto her knee. The city sped by the window as the train rattled back towards County.

Back to the familiar hallways, etched with memories of the best and the worst of times. To all the places he'd kissed her inappropriately and unexpectedly, including **that** store cupboard where they'd finally been caught out.

The knot she'd tied herself into began to unravel, and so she had decided to leave. Those were the hardest days of her life, or so she thought until now. The five months between leaving Chicago in late April and the day Mina was born on the 7th of September 2006 were long and troublesome. Her darkest days, by far.

She had been confined to bed for the last month of her pregnancy. It nearly drove her crazy. She spent days counting the lines on the wallpaper, and unpicking the fringe on the curtain that hung over the bed. She was bored and she was restless and, worst of all, she was thinking.

And it was the thoughts that nearly pushed her over the edge. Horrible images of Abby, memories of the malice in her voice, how twisted by her fury she was. She had been almost unrecognisable. How she feared Abby would not recover this time. She had been sinned against before, but not by her best friend. What they'd done was an unforgivable sin.

And so this was her punishment. This discomfort was nothing to the pain she'd caused Abby. She suffered in silence, fearing the wrath of the gods if she complained. This was her punishment and she had to bear it.

Every so often, she would feel the baby move or kick. It was the only time she remembered this swelling was actually alive. A miracle, but accident. A terrible, wonderful accident. And that brought rawer images to the fore, images tainted by what she considered must have been love.

His touch haunted her in those long, lonely days, and she was surprised how much she missed him. She was haunted by how easily he'd gotten to her, how simple it had been for him to get her to submit. How she had folded to his will, without a second thought for Abby.

The first kiss had been intoxicating. He'd kissed her like she was the only thing between him and oblivion, and she had responded in kind. So, he'd just kept coming back. And she'd let him in – into her bed, into her body and into her heart. For what little good it proved to have done her.

She sighed heavily as the train pulled to a stop at her station. She lifted Mina, expertly balancing luggage and her sleeping child as she alighted from the train again. Her mind was still racing as she made her way back down the steps. But the minute she walked back into the ambulance bay, the world stopped spinning on its axis, and her mind ground to a dead halt. This was it. She was really here.


	12. Secrets and Lies Chapter 12

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 12**

Sam waited until Abby fell into a fitful sleep, the monitors still regular, and slipped away. She walked out the front doors into the crisp night air, sucking several large breaths hard into her lungs, to try and clear her head.

She had known. She had known a good two months before Abby, and it was only now she'd chosen to unburden herself. Her baby kicked viciously, as if to remind her it was there. She took a seat on the bench, rubbing her now aching back with one hand.

However, she still hadn't told Abby the full story, had she? She still hadn't been completely honest. She tilted her head back, tried to stop the tears she didn't deserve to cry from falling. The sky overhead was clear and navy, the stars crystal bright. Everything around her had clarity; the only thing confused was her own emotions.

_Sam opened the door, still wiping sleep from her eyes, and peered into the half-darkness in the hallway. A petite, hunched figure stood there, dripping wet._

"_Neela?"_

_She questioned quietly, not wanting to wake Luka or the kids. The figure looked up, caught her gaze. The resident looked devastated. Totally shattered. _

"_Can I talk to you? I know it's late…"_

_Sam ushered her in efficiently, taking in the red, bloodshot eyes, the fragile expression._

"_Get yourself out of those wet clothes. I'll get you a towel and some dry clothes,"_

_She went into nurse and mother mode instantly, knowing the difference feeling warm and comfortable could make. She snatched an armful of towels from the laundry pile, along with a freshly ironed t-shirt and pyjama bottoms. She handed the garments to Neela, then settled herself on the couch and waited. _

"_I need your advice,"_

_Neela paused nervously, her voice tiny, fragile, approaching her slowly. _

"_I know you don't approve of what I've been doing,"_

_Neela folded her legs beneath her elegantly. Sam caught her gaze. _

"_It's not that…"_

_Neela cut across her protest, nodding knowingly. Sam knew she couldn't deny it. She didn't like the situation, but she could understand where Neela had gotten herself tied up in it. She knew what it was like to be controlled by emotions you couldn't explain._

"_There's…there's a little more to it…"_

_Sam narrowed her eyes and regarded the other woman all the more intensely. Neela struggled under her gaze, disliking the scrutiny._

"_I…I'm pregnant,"_

_A hand flew to cover Sam's mouth, finding it difficult to control her shock. _

"_Please tell me it isn't his…"_

_Sam pleaded futilely, her gut instinct tearing her in the other direction. Neela looked up at her, and the truth was there in her eyes. Despite herself, tears stung her own eyes at the very thought. _

"_Have you thought about what you're going to do?"_

_Sam asked instinctively. She knew the answer already, and her heart began to sink slowly. _

"_You mean, am I going to have it or not?"_

"_Yeah, I mean, no. Well, yes,"_

_She fumbled her words, not knowing if she could be that direct with the resident. She ducked her eyes, tried to rein in her thoughts. _

"_Sam? Look at me,"_

_Her head moved slowly upwards, suddenly heavy._

"_There's no choice to make,"_

_The honesty was so brutal it stung. _

"_There is…Neela, there's always a choice,"_

"_Really? When you got pregnant with Alex, was there a choice then?"_

_Neela shot back. Sam paused, forced into a rare moment of introspection. She drew the answer out of herself slowly. _

"_No…no, I don't suppose there was. In my heart, I always knew…I knew my baby had to live,"_

_Sam admitted, remembering her own emotions when she'd discovered she was carrying Alex. She remembered the kick in the gut that had told her that she could never kill this child. She knew exactly how Neela felt. _

"_Then you already know how I feel,"_

_Neela affirmed solemnly. Sam couldn't help but feel all this would work out for the worse. That all of this would haunt them all. But then, this was another life they were now talking about. That changed things. _

"_You do understand the implications of this. I wouldn't give Alex back for a second, but he's not just my child and he never will be. Whatever the circumstances were, it still took two. You are forever tied to him this way,"_

_The way she was forever tied to Steve. She couldn't regret Alex, but she hated his father. She didn't want Neela to end up that way. She was too nice. Far too innocent to get twisted up the way she had been by her experience. _

Bile burned at the back of her throat. How could she have kept that to herself for five years? She had tried not to let it affect her working life, but working with him…it became unbearable. They played at getting along for a while, but she drove him out eventually. She couldn't bear being around him.

Her own deception had shocked even her. But in time, she'd gotten on with life. She had fallen pregnant with Louisa, and gotten so tied up in baby fever that the whole mess was all but forgotten. Forgotten? No, she reasoned, merely buried. And now, it had resurfaced and she had to deal with it all over again.

She tipped her head forward again, sensing another presence in the ambulance bay. The figure was painfully familiar. She looked dumbstruck, like her world had just stopped. Sam swallowed hard, considered greeting the visitor, the stranger. But she didn't have to. Neela spotted her, and began to cross the asphalt towards her.


	13. Secrets and Lies Chapter 13

**Author's Notes**: Yes, I did steal one line of dialogue in this chapter, but only from the show, and only because I loved it first time around. The rest of it is unadulterated me, love it or hate it.

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 13**

He closed his eyes, pretended to be asleep in order that the stewardess would pass him by. The inanity of flying was not something he could bring himself to tolerate.

He listened to the pilot's announcement – tuning into key phrases like the flight time. He couldn't bear if he was too late. If he let her down at this, the last hurdle.

As the plane began its ascent, images from five years ago began to flash against his eyelids. Of the things that had happened, and the people he had tied up in his sordid mess of life.

Things had been going OK until he graduated from medical school and matched at County. This began a downward spiral, brought the two stunning creatures he had loved and hurt so badly into his life.

He saw them now as he'd first seen them. Abby, a woman so fiercely independent, who was haunted but emboldened by her past. He tried to picture her, as she would be now. Broken and hopeless, and forever scarred. He tried to imagine how seeing her again would feel, but drew a blank. Would he really know until he was there?

And Neela – Abby's sidekick, the light to her dark, a complex soul with a good heart. A woman unlike any he'd ever met, still a girl at heart. Keen, intelligent, quick to learn but hopelessly naïve, sweet and so repressed. She had been brought up on books not looks, and thus had never considered herself beautiful. She'd been almost innocent. He'd shattered that, shown her the corrupt, dark side of life. She'd been a fallen angel when she'd left. Would she be there? Would he be brought face to face with her again?

_Leave me alone,"_

"_Abby…"_

_He implored, trying to find a way through to her. But the shutters were down, the curtains were closed, and she had isolated herself from everyone._

"_I think you'd best leave,"_

_Sam had guided him from the room with a hand on his back, playing the diplomat for once._

"_Go home. You look like hell, and you aren't doing anyone any good here,"_

_The nurse stated quietly, but firmly, and he was in no mood to argue. He trailed himself home, the steps heavy and flat._

"_Back so soon…"_

_Neela jumped when the door opened, and her words now sounded loaded with false levity and surprise._

"_How's Abby?"_

_He could only shrug. He couldn't remember a day he had ever felt so dead inside, so cold and numb. Abby had been in a kind of pain he could never imagine, and he had been useless. So weighed down by his own guilt, and his own grief. She had shut off, shut down, because it was easier to cope that way._

"_She…she's resting…"_

_He muttered, his words faltering._

"_I'm so sorry,"_

_Her words were so genuine, he feared for a second she'd break him. He glanced over; saw her earnest, worried, probably deep down devastated expression. He couldn't cry, so he just shrugged again._

"_Not your fault,"_

_He watched, frozen, as she rose from the sofa, crossed the space between them and met his gaze._

"_Talk to me,"_

_She demanded, her tone hard and sharp round the edges suddenly. _

"_About what?"_

"_About the fact your baby just died,"_

_She snapped back, forcing him to hold her gaze, watching the impact her words had._

"_Her baby just died,"_

_He corrected, and heard her sigh._

"_It was, Neela, it wasn't mine, not in any real sense. You wouldn't guess it from the way she's acting either…"_

_He paused to catch his breath. _

"_She doesn't need me, and I feel so damned useless,"_

"_You and me both,"_

_She admitted sadly._

"_She'll get through it, you know Abby,"_

"_I'm not sure I will,"_

_He saw her bite her lip at his complete honesty, to stop herself from crying. She clearly didn't feel it her place to cry._

"_You will,"_

_She assured gently, one stray tear escaping. He hadn't seen her cry, didn't want her to in case she fractured his fragile resolve. He moved a hand to her face, felt her breath catch as he brushed the tear away with his thumb. She must have seen what he was about to do, because he heard her whisper._

"_You don't want to do this,"_

_But he wasn't thinking any more. He was just reacting, trying hard to feel. And so was she. They kissed – it wasn't one sided. Neither of them moved first. _

She had kissed him back. She never protested. She made it too easy for him. When his hands slid down her back and she pulled herself flush against him, their fate was sealed. It was wrong, viciously so, but there with her pressed against him, the rest of the world had ceased to exist.

He'd sought comfort in his then roommate. All her desire had bubbled forth, the intensity had overflowed, and they'd both been so caught up in feeling again it barely mattered that it was wrong.

Abby continued to push him away. He tried to help her, to be with her. Obviously, to the outside world they were still together. Abby believed they were still together, despite being so absorbed in her own pain she'd virtually ignored him. She was devastated, but she was isolated. No one could get through to her.

So, it became all about Neela. Every time Abby shunned him, it only served to push him closer to the "other woman" in his life. And she'd been vital and alive when he'd needed someone the most. She'd reacted to him. The connection was real…sometimes, too real.

_Her dusky skin was still impregnated with the scent of the previous night, he noted, as he bent to kiss her. He kissed the left side of her neck, knowing exactly how it would make her melt. She dropped the knife she held, and it clattered to the floor._

"_Don't…."_

_She moaned softly. He smiled against her neck, and did it again. He felt her try to twist away, deny herself and deny him. _

"_Don't what?"_

_He whispered mischievously, a hand sliding to the opening in the front of her robe._

"_You know what,"_

_She mumbled breathlessly._

"_You weren't complaining last night,"_

She'd teased him to the point of distraction physically. But he'd known her weak spots seemingly instinctively. Being with her was simple. Being with her was…natural. It was the way it had been with Abby at first. He shivered just thinking about it. Was it love? He supposed it must have been, for him to do that. He still loved Abby, but he fell in love with Neela. It was different, it was dangerous, and it was a distraction from the anguish and stress. She was exotic and new and infinitely corruptible.

He supposed he always knew it could never last. That it all had to come unstuck. And they did, 3 months on, in a store cupboard of all sordid places. Sam's piercing gaze when she looked at him then…the mere thought was enough to make him cold inside. The pure, unadulterated hatred he saw in her eyes. He knew things could only go from bad to worse.

"Sam…come on, this is unprofessional," 

_The nurse rounded on him, shoulders back, eyes flaming defiantly. He stopped suddenly to avoid cannoning into her._

"_I'm unprofessional?"_

_She spat accusingly. He knew she knew, and in that moment it was all too clear what she thought of him. _

"_Like it or not, Sam, we work together. What you think of me personally shouldn't be an issue,"_

_He tried to keep his tone even. Sam's gaze was unflinching. Her next words were deliberately weighted to be cutting. _

"_You said it. We work together. We're not married. Professional is personal,"_

And she'd been right. Sam was involved in it through no fault of her own. She despised him; it was crystalline in her eyes every time he met them. He couldn't blame her. She was caught up in something that would only bring pain, and she was lying about it. He knew she wasn't lying about it to spare him, but to spare Abby and Neela.

So, he'd left. A year after it all unravelled, he'd quit County and transferred over to Mercy. He'd gone where no one knew him. He'd escaped, as Neela had. The only one trapped had been Abby.

He cannot justify what he did. There is no rational explanation behind his actions. How can there be when things were as intense and painful as they had been? And now he was flying right back into the middle of it all. He was sick with fear. Could people hold hate in their hearts for 5 years? Could he really watch her die?


	14. Secrets and Lies Chapter 14

Author's Notes: Don't sue me for little mistakes I might have made (I did proof read, but might still have missed some things) – this was written partially during a bout of insomnia very very early one morning! And a huge thank you to all those who've reviewed and said such fantastic things, it makes it all worthwhile to read that people are enjoying the story. Standard disclaimers apply – because I just became aware I don't think I put that anywhere in the story yet.

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 14**

She approached slowly, contemplating what to say with each step. She gripped Mina instinctively tighter. Her eyes carefully scanned for Sam's reaction, the nurse's movements slow, deliberate. She was only able to take in the finer points of the nurses body language once they were both standing in the same circle of streetlight. It was only then she saw the redness around Sam's eyes, and the wet tracks over her cheeks. A lump developed in her throat.

"Sam,"

Her greeting was cursory, neutral. Sam inclined her head, curls covering her expression.

"Hello stranger,"

She said eventually, her tone muted but decidedly sharp around the edges.

"Welcome back,"

She added, almost sarcastically. Neela shifted her weight, to relieve her by now aching hip. Every muscle in her body complained bitterly, and all she wanted to do was sleep. But she had to do this first. Sam looked up at her, and reached out a faltering, tentative hand towards Mina.

"So, who's this?"

Sam almost smiled, but retracted at the last minute. The hesitation was pointed, noticeable.

"Mina,"

Neela answered quietly. Sam had known...Sam had been the only one who'd known...

"Pretty name,"

Sam commented blandly, idle fingers smoothing tiny, imaginary creases in the child's clothes. Neela couldn't help but be slightly perturbed by Sam's apparent calm.

"You never called,"

"It was easier not to,"

Sam answered honestly, eyes aside focussed in the middle distance. But the number had always been there in her cell, tearing a hole in her.

"But you kept the number,"

And had given it to Susan, Neela nearly added. Sam faltered, shrugging dismissively.

"For emergencies,"

She clarified, her tone now distinctly bitter. Neela was fully aware of the situation Sam had been put in by her behaviour. It hadn't been fair, but the nurse had been the only one she'd had left, the only one who didn't hate her for what she'd done.

"He'll be here too,"

Sam swerved the conversation in a completely different direction. Her heart missed at the very thought. Sam shuffled her feet awkwardly in the stunned silence that followed, her own emotions still frustratingly unclear.

"How is she?"

Neela whispered, words forming with increasing difficulty, her voice cracked and awkward, deliberately avoiding Sam's comment. Sam rubbed her eyes wearily.

"Fading fast,"

Came the sad answer. Her lungs burned, her throat ached with effort and emotion, and she felt sick. Mina stirred, her eyes fluttering open.

"Someone's awake,"

Sam stated. Neela shifted, bent and placed the child on her feet on the asphalt. Mina was bleary and confused.

"Hey sweetie,"

Sam adopted an artificially cheery tone, locking eyes with Mina. Neela watched her child's face intently.

"You remember I talked about Sam right?"

Neela said eventually. Mina stared vacantly for a minute, then flicked her eyes back and forth a couple of times, utterly confused. It became infinitely clear that Mina was overwhelmed, so Sam switched her focus back to Neela.

"Do you want to see her?"

A tentative incline of the jet-black head indicated a nervous yes. Sam sighed wearily.

"Exam 4. You remember the way?"

Another nod. Sam offered her hand to Mina.

"I'll take her to the lounge,"

"Thanks,"

Neela paused, watched the nurse make her slow way to the hospital entrance, her shattered little girl in tow.

"And Sam…"

She called out impulsively. The blonde looked back over her shoulder fleetingly.

"I'm sorry,"

Sam's smile was weak and strangely expressionless, belying her eyes. She waved her free hand dismissively. Neela was stung. Her apology was genuine, but her timing truly shocking. Sam disappeared into the warmth, the light.

Neela screwed up all her courage and strode purposefully inside herself. It was so achingly familiar, it pressed hard down on her chest. It had been 5 years since she'd practised medicine, but it was only now she realised she'd missed it.

She'd missed County General. She'd missed Sam. And Abby. Who was now merely feet away from her. Her jaw muscles tightened in an effort not to cry and she paced along the corridor.

Susan was sitting with Abby, she saw, partially blocking her view. She bit the inside of her lip until she could taste blood, just to convince herself this was real. Then she pushed the door open merely 6 inches. She could still back out. She wouldn't, but she needed to keep the option open.

Susan heard the door open, swivelled on the chair, startled. Rich, brown eyes stared at her across the room. Suddenly, the air around Neela felt heavy. The silence was poised on a knife blade.

Abby stirred but didn't wake, muttering something inaudible. Susan rose and crossed to the open door.

"Neela,"

There was no hiding her disdain. Neela sensed she was resented for disturbing Susan's final moments with her best friend.

"Susan,"

The greeting was nervous, tentative.

"She's sleeping,"

Susan hissed, clearly irritated. Neela tensed, knowing exactly why Susan was reacting as she was. She was trying to protect Abby. She had feared this very reaction.

"Is she?"

A small voice whispered from the bed. Susan turned and over her shoulder, Neela caught her first proper glance of her former friend. Her stomach turned. The sight was horrific. Her instincts told her to flee, but her feet held firm. Abby's eyes struggled to focus on her, but when they did, the gaze was unflinching.

"Come here,"

Abby gestured, hand shaky but voice firm. Neela slipped past Susan and crossed to the bed. Susan left the room, clearly much against her better judgement.

"You look well,"

Abby's appraisal was swift, her eyes running coolly over her whole body. Neela crossed her arms tight across her stomach.

"Don't worry, I don't expect you to say the same,"

She joked weakly, and Neela only half smiled. Abby coughed violently a couple of times, her whole body convulsed, then turned back to Neela, expression unchanged. Once again, Neela had cause to find her friend's calm disturbing.

"I didn't expect you to come,"

Neela just stood there, muscles stone under her skin, completely speechless, paralysed by fear.

"Cat got your tongue?"

Abby asked bitterly, forcing her into action. She flapped momentarily, open-mouthed, lost for words.

"No…no…I…."

She cut herself off before 'sorry' crossed her lips, the words clumsy on her tongue. Abby's smile was slightly cruel.

"Don't embarrass yourself, Neela,"

A hand ran through her hair nervously, shaking almost uncontrollably.

"It's been 5 years, I don't expect you to know what to say,"

Abby paused, and Neela flinched, almost sensing what might be coming next.

"Just tell me…does this…I mean, does seeing me like this, does it hurt?"

Guilty, selfish tears prickled her eyes, and she fought not to cry. Abby locked bitter eyes on her, ravaged by illness, haunted by betrayal and desperate to see her suffer. After a long, heavy minute, she nodded.

"Yes,"

She admitted weakly. Abby looked satisfied with that.

"Good,"

She said coldly, before turning away to face the window. Neela never saw her tears fall, cut to the core as she was. She had been dragged back to suffer. She couldn't help but feel she deserved that. What had she expected? Peace? Abby could never give her that.


	15. Secrets and Lies Chapter 15

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 15**

Sam watched Mina intently. The 5 year old was busily drawing with the few crayons Sam had managed to garner from her bag. Simple, colourful, childishly innocent pictures.

She searched for any hint of her father in Mina. But the girl was all her mother – dark skin, chocolate brown almost black eyes, black hair. Where was he in this child's genetic make up? She wondered idly. Mina was a beautiful child. Even tired from being dragged all the way to Chicago, she seemed peaceable. Neela had done well by her.

Sam heard the door open, felt the breeze chill the back of her neck, but didn't realise it was Susan until the attending spoke.

"Hey,"

Susan's gaze was intent on the bowed black head, instantly suspicious.

"Who's our visitor, Sam?"

Sam twisted in her seat to see what she suspected – the bright tone was purely artificial.

"This is Mina, Susan,"

She answered, her tone equally artificial and even. The girl looked up. Susan slid into the seat next to her.

"Hi Mina, I'm Susan,"

"Hi Susan,"

Mina greeted brightly. Her innocence stabbed Sam hard the heart. She rubbed her own bump thoughtfully and thanked God her children would never end up pawns like Mina was.

"What are you here for?"

Susan continued to press the child gently for information.

"Mommy brought me,"

Sam winced, knowing Susan would look to her for an answer now. Mina went back to her picture seemingly unperturbed, oblivious also to the nuances of the expressions of her companions.

"Who's Mommy?"

Susan addressed Sam, a note of bitterness already in her voice. Sam could see she already knew, her job was only one of confirmation.

"Neela,"

She admitted softly, the word escaping seemingly of its own accord. Susan arched her eyebrows in shock, took a moment to process the information.

"How old are you, Mina?"

The girl looked up again, frankly puzzled, her delicate features twisted and curious.

"I'm 5,"

She answered, wearing her age as a badge as kids did at that again. Susan's jaw set. The door opened again and 3 sets of eyes all locked onto Neela instantaneously.

"Mommy!"

Mina cried ecstatic to see a familiar face. Neela's face was set though, flicking her eyes from Sam, who looked vaguely sheepish, to Susan, who looked downright furious.

"Mina, honey, do you want to come with me? You must be tired,"

Sam broke the tension. Mina looked at her briefly, and then fixed on her mother again. Sam sighed, knowing children's tactics only too well.

"Come on, we'll find you somewhere quiet to sleep,"

She insisted, desperate to take this child out of the conflict she felt brewing. She offered her hand to Mina. The child gazed desperately at her mother, craving her attention.

"Go with Sam, Mina,"

Neela said without moving her eyes from Susan.

"But Mommy…"

Mina insisted tearfully, her voice a high-pitched whine now. Neela averted her eyes from Susan, spoke again more firmly.

"Mina, it's way past bedtime."

Neela pressed the point home, her tone final. The tiny hand slipped reluctantly into Sam's, and she led the child from the room. Mina dragged and scuffed her feet along the lino – exhausted and understandably tetchy.

It was mere seconds between feeling the draft from the door swinging closed behind Sam, and the moment Neela felt the full force of Susan's vitriol.

"You weren't content with screwing her over were you? You had to go and get yourself pregnant too!"

The tone was vicious, stinging, the finger pointed in her direction accusingly. Susan was a woman possessed – by grief, by anger, but not, she knew, by guilt. Susan had nothing to be guilty for. She had never been anything but a friend to Abby, which is more than the rest of them could now say for themselves.

"Susan…"

She began to plead softly, but cut herself off when she saw the bitterness edging the blue eyes. The ice cold, sharp irises bored into her soul.

"Did she not even mean enough to you to be careful?"

Neela visibly flinched, and Susan latched onto this discomfort instantly. Her fury was breathless, terrifying.

"Don't tell me you were. She's all the proof I need,"

Susan spat accusingly. There was nothing in her eyes bar pure hatred. Her bitterness was setting her alight.

"I had no choice, Susan, I had bring her,"

She said, keeping her tone as even as she could. She would defend her decision until the end of time, but getting herself wound up about it wouldn't help anyone.

"Course you did. You are just still the same vicious, self-centred whore you were back then aren't you?"

Neela's intake of breath was sharp, because the words stung as physically as if Susan had struck her.

"Susan! Susan, will you listen to yourself?"

Sam entered the conversation with a sharp reprimand, scolding the older woman. Susan whirled to face her, her vitriol now directed elsewhere. Neela allowed herself a long breath. She hadn't expected this to be so…so vicious. Sam crossed the room to where Mina's rucksack lay and began to rummage through it.

"Come to defend her have you? Great to see she's got such firm support from someone so morally upright,"

Sam clenched a fist tightly by her side, her expression fixed and stony. Neela watched her very closely.

"Where's Mina?"

Neela asked quickly, focussing her attention on the nurse.

"She needed her teddy, Luka's with her,"

Sam answered coolly, producing the tattered bear from the bag with a flourish. She straightened, and turned to face Susan.

"You knew…you goddamn knew about it, Sam, and you didn't say anything,"

Susan rounded on Sam, her fury increasingly out of control. Sam's jaw was tight, her mouth a thin line, desperate not to react. She exchanged brief worried looks with Neela. Susan's emotions had clearly gotten the better of her; she was completely out of control.

"She didn't say anything because she thought it was over, OK? She thought I'd ended it,"

"Neela, you don't need to defend me. I can do it myself,"

"Damn right you can…how did you live with yourself? How did you come into work every day and lie to her the way you did?"

"Do you think if I'd told her earlier we wouldn't be here now? You think if I'd told her when I found out, we wouldn't still be here? That somehow knowing sooner would have been _less _of a body blow? You're delusional, Susan, you don't know what you're saying,"

Sam's words rushed out, each subsequent word running into one another in a desperate bid to be more important, to have more emphasis. Susan snapped back in shock.

"She'd still be dying, Susan, the only difference is that she might have died sooner,"

Susan's face crumbled, defeated by what she knew was the truth in Sam's statement.

"I'm sorry, Susan, I just don't see the point in blaming anyone any more. And at the end of the day, she came back when Abby asked her to…even you've got to give her some credit for that,"

The nurse reached a hand to touch her shoulder, but she shrugged it off.

"I'll get back to Mina,"

Sam stated, emotion gone from her voice as suddenly as it appeared.

"I'll be there in a minute,"

Neela called after her. Sam acknowledged with a mere wave of her hand as she disappeared down the corridor.

"Susan…"

Tears flowed freely over the older woman's cheeks. Neela felt herself choke up at the sight.

"Go away, please,"

Susan said, fury replaced by sadness, and hate by overwhelming loss. Neela turned on her heel and left without another word.


	16. Secrets and Lies Chapter 16

Authors Notes: - Sorry folks! I know it's been ages, but being blocked is a bitch. Big shout out to ShadowDiva for all the help, this fic would still be stuck in writer's block hell otherwise.

**Secrets and Lies **

**Chapter 16**

His heart was drumming a military tattoo as he stood across the street, looking at the neon sign above the automatic doors. The whole scene would once have been so familiar, felt right, but not now.

Now, Abby was dying within those 4 walls, and here he was again. Back at County, a place whose doors he hadn't crossed since he left four years ago. What was this womans magnetic pull anyway? Why did Abby still influence him so much? He had pondered this thought repeatedly. Maybe he had to make sure this was real. That Abby was actually dying.

Maybe he wouldn't believe it unless he saw it for himself, and that's why he was here.

He shrugged to himself. He'd come this far. And even if not a lot else had changed in the last 5 years, he certainly wasn't a coward anymore.

Sam visibly stiffened when she saw him, as they locked eyes for the first time in over four years through the glass. She narrowed her eyes to mere slits. Her feelings towards him were still crystal clear. What more had he expected? He approached the doors and she reluctantly let him enter.

"Congratulations,"

He greeted tersely, indicating her bump with a sharp incline of his head. She played with her hair nervously, pretending to tie it up, purely to occupy restless hands that he suspected would otherwise have been very tempted to wrap themselves round his neck.

"You made it,"

The words were curt, clipped, her gaze averted.

"She isn't…?"

He asked, fearing for all he'd wound himself up, he'd actually managed to be too late. She shook her head.

"No,"

"Can I see her…?"

Sam angled her head suspiciously.

"It's what you came here for isn't it?"

Her rhetoric hit home hard. She began to walk, gestured to him to follow her, which he did without question.

"Exam 4…"

She said, standing aside and allowing him his first glimpse of Abby in nearly 4 years. Sam merely watched as the horror slipped into his expression, her eyes and demeanour cold. He stood with his hand on the door handle for a full minute before he opened the door. Abby's eyes were immediately on him, and then there was no escape.

"Welcome back,"

Abby's first words set the tone of the conversation perfectly, cold and guarded. He rallied against his urge to turn away and stepped into the room.

"Hey,"

He answered, evenly, exterior perfectly calm, remaining standing so he could turn and run if he needed to.

"You came,"

She said, her voice strangely emotionless. A hand gestured to the stool at the side of her bed.

"Sit down,"

Filled with a strange reluctance, he crossed to the bed and perched uneasily. She regarded him coolly.

"I don't get it, Abby, it's been 4 years…"

"I'm dying,"

She stated bluntly, gaze unswerving in its intensity, seemingly ignorant of the fact he'd been talking. He was being scrutinised for his reaction, a reaction he was trying hard to suppress.

"I know,"

"I wanted to see you,"

The undertone was there, and he picked up on it instantly.

"You wanted to see if I'd come running,"

He surmised cuttingly. Abby acquiesced with a slight tilt of her head, a cruel smile curling at the corners of her lips.

"You did,"

"Yeah, I did,"

He couldn't help that it sounded disbelieving. He still couldn't believe he was here. He was able to take in just then exactly what toll her illness had taken – the yellowed skin and eyes, the arms and hands scarred by old IV's and shunts. Was it sad or just pathetic? He couldn't quite make up his mind.

"Why?"

"Why? Because I cared about you once,"

He answered firmly, careful that his tone remained neutral.

"I cared about you too,"

She admitted, her voice small, defeatist. He knew only too well what game she would be trying to play, but he was wise to her ways now.

"Past tense, Abby, so why drag me back? What is this meant to achieve?"

"Forgive me?"

Her tone changed suddenly, and she sounded almost pitiful. He felt his stomach turn. This couldn't be what this was about.

"Wait? What? Forgive…No, fuck it, Abby, don't do this,"

"I…you…"

She struggled for a response.

"I can't let you play the martyr, Abby, I let you do that too much,"

"Play the martyr? Is that what you think it was?"

Yeah, Abby, that's exactly what it was, he thought bitterly. He had taken the blame on himself, and she'd carried on being the same martyr to lifes hardships she'd always been.

"Isn't it? You fitted the victim role nicely, right Abby? You had done your whole life. Why let anyone know differently?"

A brief look of hurt crossed into her expression then, but he couldn't feel anything for her. There was no sympathy left in him for her. He hadn't been sure what to expect when he saw her again, but this reaction had taken even him by surprise.

"Our baby…"

Abby began to protest, but he cut across her.

"It was your baby apparently. And, yeah, it died. But it was dead anyway. Abby, you were going to kill it anyway,"

"This isn't what…isn't why…"

He couldn't help but enjoy seeing her floundering for words, his expression no more than stone mask. She couldn't read him, and that killed her.

"What? You wanted a nice cosy chat, where I held your hand and forgave you, absolved you, so you could die peaceful and blameless…"

"How can you still be angry?"

"Same way you can still play the victim, Abby. I don't hate you…don't flatter yourself by thinking that…I did for a long time…now, now I just pity you,"

"Is that…? What is that…?"

The smile he felt form was cruel, he knew that, it was strangely detached from the coldness in his eyes. She floundered helplessly, looking to him. What did she want? An apology? She thought she deserved that?

"As good as you're going to get from me,"

"I don't hate you either…"

"Thanks, Abby, that's good to know, really,"

He muttered caustically, catching her eye with his flint like gaze just once, just to press the point home hard. The silence lined the room like lead, a complete dead weight. He had said what needed said. He had seen her before she died.

She made no effort to speak again, made no sound as he rose to leave. Once outside the room, he leaned back against the wall, watched the grind of the ER go on around him. The resurfaced bitterness began to bubble under again inside him. She was determined to die a wronged woman, having gathered around her all those who'd sinned against her just to make them suffer her final agony. He was equally determined that she should not die a victim, that he would not give her that satisfaction.


	17. Secrets and Lies Chapter 17

Author's Notes: The narrative kind of switches in this chapter, which I hope isn't too weird I tried to make it behave otherwise, but it wouldn't!

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 17**

Just when the hurt of 5 years ago once again threatened his hold on reality, he happened to look up, perhaps as a result of feeling eyes on him. And what familiar eyes they were. Soft, rich, deep chocolate brown, poignantly familiar. He felt the beginnings of a smile, but quashed it almost instantly.

Thoughts of Abby made way for a different set of memories. Memories of a woman who had done nothing but soothe and care and try to heal such open wounds. She'd been caught up in something beyond her control. Memories of the woman who had run away, and left him alone, which was no more than he had deserved.

She approached slowly, her expression constantly changing as if she wasn't sure how to handle this, what to say. After 5 years, what do you say to an ex-lover? Especially after they parted as they did.

"Hey,"

She opened, cursory, neutral, her expression a carefully crafted matching mask.

"How are you?"

He decided to let her steer the conversation herself.

"I've had better days,"

"I know that feeling,"

She admitted, allowing herself a cursory glance at her watch. She had now been up for 18 hours, and she suddenly realised how tired she was.

"Where've…

"What…"

The words met and collided mid air. She smiled at her brief lapse in manners.

"No, you first,"

She acquiesced gracefully, swallowing her own question for the time being.

"I was just going to ask where you've been…?"

He didn't even get to finish his question before she jumped in with her answer.

"Lincoln,"

"Illinois? That's only what? 2 hours away?"

Two and a half, her mind corrected automatically. But she just nodded her affirmation, and decided to make no further comment on the subject. He decided it was safest to let it drop and steer the conversation somewhere else.

"Did you know she was sick?"

She nodded again.

"You?"

She added as an afterthought, shuffling awkwardly. It was his turn to nod.

"Hey Neela,"

Sam inserted herself into their somewhat awkward silence, and Neela was secretly relieved at the interruption.

"Mina is asking for you…"

Sam finished abruptly. He caught both women's gazes fleetingly, noted the odd look that passed between them.

"I'm coming,"

Sam wandered away slowly, her steps laboured. Of course she sensed his next question. She waited with a heavy heart for the inevitable.

"Mina?"

He questioned curiously. Neela snapped her eyes up to meet his.

"My daughter,"

Came the frank and slightly alarming response. He floundered, and by the time he had his thoughts in order, all he could see was her rapidly receding back.

The five year old was awake when she reached the on call room, sitting up on the bed, remarkably animated. She allowed herself a wistful smile at her daughter's toughness, her ability to cope. Neela sat down by the bed, and folded her hands carefully in her lap. Mina's eyes snapped onto her immediately she began to speak.

"Mina...Mina, honey, remember when you asked about your daddy, I said he lived far away,"

The child nodded solemnly. Neela continued, nerves turning the pit of her stomach. This could work out to be either the best move she ever made, or the worst mistake of her life. She wouldn't know that until she saw the look on his face, and by then it would be too late to take it back and she would have to deal with the consequences whatever they were.

"Well, that far away was Chicago,"

She continued. Two and a half hours was all it had ever been between them. She winced at the very idea. He was going to hate her - that was the one thing of which she was sure. Mina looked at her with a keen interest, her brown eyes alert and alive with ideas.

"Here?"

Mina gestured excitedly. Neela nodded, her movements calm and deliberate.

"Yes, Mina, here,"

She affirmed quietly, noticing the rising level of anticipation in Mina's tone. She crossed the fingers on her lower hand, hoping he would have the same kind of positive reaction, at least in front of Mina. She didn't care what he said to her afterwards. That she would just have to be grown up enough to take.

"Is daddy here?"

Neela smiled at her daughter's enthusiasm. She wasn't sure, but it was now or never. She couldn't have them in the same building and keep her from him any longer.

"Yes, hon, he is. Would you like to see him?"

Mina's head bobbed almost frantically, her small frame instilled with a new energy.

"OK sweetheart, come with me,"

Neela lifted the girl down from the bed and took the small, slightly clammy hand in her own.

Neela noted the way he squinted at her curiously as she walked back down the corridor to where he was still standing, apparently dumbstruck. Her brain forced her to keep walking, even though she was increasingly nauseous with the nerves that turned in her gut.

She stopped her daughter mere feet from where he stood. Confusion reigned in his expression, as he scanned both of their faces carefully. Neela squared her shoulders, arched and then lengthened her spine, dragging out the moment of truth for as long as she could.

"This is Mina…"

She said gently, one hand ruffling the black hair and causing the girl to squirm away from her very slightly.

"I can do it myself, mommy,"

Mina protested indignantly, squaring her shoulders. Neela frowned down at the 5 year old, irritatingly precocious as she was.

"Our daughter,"

Neela finished simply. He took a few seconds to absorb the information, and then crouched to bring himself down to Mina's eye level.

"So, you're my little girl then?"

Mina began to smile, cheeks tinted ever so slightly pink, then a puzzled look settled over her expression instead. She reached out one small hand, brushed the side of his face ever so gently, her face folding into a frown as she did so.

"Why don't I look like you?"

Neela was startled by her daughter's question, and considered his expression as he thought about the best answer. Mina's genetic inheritance from her father was her temerity. She was more her father's daughter in that way than in any other.

"Because you are beautiful like your mom instead,"

He replied, tone smooth and careful, and she couldn't help the wistful smile that touched her lips at his answer.

"Are you sure you're my dad?"

"Mina!"

Neela scolded sharply, so sharply Mina turned to look up at her. He flicked his gaze up to her as well. She had to recover herself quickly.

"Would I lie to you, honey?"

She continued, softening her tone as she saw the confused brown eyes upturned to her.

"You did before,"

Mina snapped back instantly. Neela glanced between father and daughter, clearly seeing the tension beginning to form in the lines on his face.

"Come on, Mina, that's enough. Bed, and this time I mean it,"

She frogmarched the girl back to the on call room. Had that been a positive reaction? He hadn't really reacted. He hadn't gotten angry. He had barely had a flicker of emotion throughout all his dealings with his daughter. Neela settled Mina into the bed, the look on his face stuck fast in her head.


	18. Secrets and Lies Chapter 18

Author's Notes: Here we are – I finally updated! Huge shout out to ShadowDiva – without her you literally wouldn't be reading this now.

Content Warning: There is reasonably frequent swearing in this chapter,which fits given the circumstance, butI thought I'd add a warning in case it offends.

**Secrets and Lies **

**Chapter 18  
**

_Our daughter…_

Those words seared themselves onto his consciousness, said with such meaning, impressed with such feeling. Much as he wanted to feel something, he didn't know which emotion to give into first. Sadness? Guilt? Should he take time now to feel deceived? Or would all that come later? He could barely process the situation he found himself in, let alone absorb the scale of it. He'd come back here for Abby. Not to find out…not to find out he'd been lied to, to find out he was a father for heaven's sakes! 5 years ago, his child had come into this world, and he'd been clueless.

Was now the time for anger? Did he have any right to be angry? After what he dragged her into, was it really any great surprise she didn't say anything about Mina to him? After all the chaos they'd caused, it must have just seemed like the proverbial straw – and so rather than face up to it, face up to his reaction, she'd just run away. Damn, Neela, you should have been stronger than that, he thought. You always seemed stronger than that.

"Ray?"

She ventured nervously. He wheeled at the sound of his name, and his chest heaved at the sight. Damn it. He couldn't be angrier with her…he couldn't see any way through this red curtain that had descended.

"_Our_ daughter?"

He stressed, almost threateningly.

"What day was she born? What was her first word? When did she start walking? How old was she when she got her first tooth?"

He paused to draw a long breath.

"…What's her favourite colour? Her favourite food? Who's her teacher?"

Another heavy pause to allow his words to sink in.

"If she was "our" daughter, Neela, wouldn't I know the answers to all those questions?"

"You have every right to be angry-"

"_Wouldn't I?_"

"Ray…"

She pleaded this time, her tone as desperate as the look in her eyes. He tried very hard not to let that in, not to soften to her just because she looked so pitiful.

"You can't ask me to accept a child I've never met as mine. You can't wait five years then say – 'by the way I was knocked up when I left and my child, well, she's yours'. It isn't fair, Neela!"

"I'm sorry-"

"_Sorry?_ You're _sorry_?" He was shouting now, hands clenched into fists at his sides. "Sorry's not fucking good enough!"

Her tenuous hold on her emotions slipped, and she shouted back. "Well it's all I've got!"

Dead silence fell over them like a guillotine. He began to pace, disquieting Neela, who could only stand there, blanched in the face of his anger.

"What the fuck did you expect? That you could apologise and make 5 years disappear?"

His voice was still raised, and though she'd been prepared for him to hate her, this fury sent cold shivers down her spine. What did he expect her to say? What could she say?

"I never meant - "

She managed before he cut across her again.

"What? To hurt me? For me to find out like this? Spare me the platitudes, Neela!"

He pre-empted her with a devastating accuracy. He stopped and spun to face her, arms folded tight across his body.

"What the bloody hell do you expect me to say? What do you want to hear?"

She challenged, her tone deliberately hard.

"Why you left! You didn't even think enough of me to tell me you were pregnant! I mean, what the hell? That just slip your mind?"

She thought of a hundred and one answers, each more bitter than the last. She settled on what was the most neutral, but also the weakest defence.

"It was hardly the right time-"

"The right time? Neela, _please_."

"I did…I did what was best."

Her tone faltered momentarily, cut to the quick by his bitter sarcasm. The words hung for a second, before his temper exploded again, the words ringing back off the walls and embedding themselves deep in her heart.

"Screw that! I had a right to know! A _right_, Neela! She's my flesh and blood and I don't know her! Fuck, I didn't even know she existed! Can you comprehend how fucking scary that is?"

"That goes with the territory - being a parent is pretty fucking scary, Ray, trust me. I've been doing it for 5 years."

She closed her eyes briefly and saw a fleeting image of her daughter, the reason she was standing here. The reason they were both standing here.

"_Trust _you? I _did._ You threw it away."

The tone was suitably scathing. She could only glare at him, sensing his tirade was as yet unfinished, words seething just under the surface.

"Hell, I may have been a world class liar in my time, but I _never_ lied to you, Neela. Never!"

"And that's supposed to prove what exactly?"

Her answer was quick fire, springing instinctively to her lips. She shifted her weight, hands on her hips, challenging him.

"That I didn't deserve to be lied to…"

He returned almost as smartly. She knew it was true. But she would defend her decision to the end of time – what she had done had been best by her daughter, and that was what had mattered.

"And my daughter didn't deserve to be second best!"

Neela snapped, suddenly inflamed. The words echoed around them, and she watched shock settle on his features.

"What?"

"You heard me – my daughter…she could never replace the one you lost. I couldn't let you try and do that to her. Or me."

Her tone was sad - to match her eyes - and he stared at her in disbelief for a long moment, seemingly lost for words. Eventually, he recovered his anger enough to speak again.

"What did you think I'd do? I'd have stood by you, the same way I would have stood by Abby-"

"Until the day you decided I wasn't good enough! I was terrified of you walking away! I was terrified of investing in something, just to have you rip it apart!"

The words flowed from her uncontrollably, impassioned by her rising fury and frustration. Her face felt flushed in her anger, her eyes burning bright. She watched his expression change, almost intangibly. The green irises grew cold and his gaze was bitterly sharp around the edges

"Oh I get it. Walking away was a pre-emptive strike! You decided to hurt me _just in case_ I hurt you."

The words were precisely, cuttingly enunciated. His glare was chilling, slicing right through her. She watched the disbelieving shake of his head, heard his derisive snort.

"That's a fucking lousy reason, Neela. Really lousy."

She knew that as well as he did, but pride wouldn't let her admit it. "You wanted the truth," she reminded him after a long moment of silence, surprised that she'd managed to keep her voice even. "Well, you got it."

"You were never going to tell me."

Her expression merely confirmed his suspicion.

His laugh was bitter. "You live two fucking hours away, Neela. _Two hours!_ And you were never going to _tell_ me? What exactly were you planning on telling _her_ when she asked why I never called? Or wrote? You were going to let her grow up thinking her father didn't give a rat's _ass_ about her!"

Hurt flashed across her face, and he tried not to let it get to him. "Do you really think I'd do that?"

He sighed. "Honestly? I don't know what the fuck to think."

"You know me, Ray-"

"I used to think so. But the woman I knew? You're not her. I don't know _who_ the fuck you are, but you're not her."

"Ray-"

She tried again, almost hopelessly, knowing her effort was in vain.

"No." He shook his head. "I gotta get outta here. Get some air, or something." He glared at her. "But this conversation isn't over."

He strode away, the bitter words spinning ceaselessly in his head, out into in the cold night air. He braced himself against the wall, hands flat against the brick, not entirely sure he could trust his insides. The cold enveloped him like a blanket, wrapping round a damaged soul, and finding every possible way into his core.

Everything felt so twisted. The argument had just been the final nail in the coffin of his composure, the final twist to the knife. His world had just completely inverted, and he wasn't sure how to react to this new upside down reality.


	19. Secrets and Lies Chapter 19

Author's Notes: Once again – I'll put a warning on this chapter that it does involve some cursing (you'll see why when you read on!)

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 19**

And then it's all too real. She can't stop the tears, and she doesn't know why, but she doesn't want to. Her body curls in on itself, and she takes a seat on the sofa, knees buckling under the sheer strain.

Soon, her sleeves, her collar and the tops of her trousers are soaking, tears dripping from her face, coming faster than she can attempt to wipe them away. She isn't sure when the last time she cried this freely, this openly was. In fact, she isn't entirely sure she's ever cried this hard before. Crying is not a luxury she's had any time for in the last five years. She's been too busy bringing up Mina to spend any time thinking about herself.

But the argument…that just brought **her** part in this, **her** feelings back into sharp focus. It realigned her priorities, and for once, she allowed herself to think about her, without feeling guilty for abandoning Mina.

She cannot get the image of him storming away out of her head. His receding back, the tension in the line of his shoulders, the way he held himself. Now, she thinks she realises just how it feels to be walked away from. Now she knows how he felt when she walked away. And she doesn't like it.

Five years ago, she was his salvation. She was the cure. The whole world was falling apart around them, around him, so they held on to one another. And that was what mattered. It was real and it was raw and it lived and breathed in the here and now, and she lived for it. She lived for him.

Five years on, she's the problem. She's the cause. He is unbearably angry with her, and what's worse is, how can she blame him? How can she deny him the right to be angry? She should have known when she left that it was a temporary solution, a quick fix.

It is then she feels the warmth of another body next to her own, knee pressing lightly on hers. A scent filters through her interlaced fingers, soft, and distinctly female. Sam, she guessed, without looking up.

"Neela…?"

The nurse laid a gentle hand between her shoulder blades, the touch tender, comforting.

"What happened?"

"I don't know…"

The words came with difficulty, struggling for dominance over her ragged breathing. Sam sighed.

"He hates me, Sam,"

She said with a sudden clarity, pulling her head up and scrubbing furiously at her tears.

"He hates me, and I can't blame him,"

Sam could only shrug. Neela looked away, gaze focussed intently on a crack in the floor.

"Well, what do you want me to say, Neela? You knew this was going to happen,"

The nurse added matter of factly, the merest glimmer of sympathy clear in her tone.

"Not like this,"

Her voice cracked very slightly. That…that had been some twisted version of him. He hadn't been capable of that intensity of anger. But then, she'd never really pushed him that far.

"Where'd he go?"

Neela snapped her eyes back to Sam, scrutinising the nurse for her intentions.

"How'd you know…?"

"Where'd he go, Neela?"

Sam repeated insistently. Neela gestured towards the door.

"Said he needed to get some air,"

Sam nodded knowingly, her thoughts frustratingly unclear. Neela narrowed her eyes slightly, fearing Sam's intentions.

"I think it's about time father of the year 2011 and I had words."

Sam stated with great finality, pulling herself up from the couch with considerable difficulty, twinges in her back making it increasingly hard.

"Sam – don't -"

"Screw it, Neela, what's anyone got left to lose? He might as well know. In the spirit of honesty,"

The last word bit home, cold and sarcastic. Sam crossed her arms, regarded Neela evenly.

"He'll hate you too,"

"Then I guess he and I will be even,"

Sam answered flatly. The door swung back into place behind her. She propped her extra weight with hands placed on her hips, and walked out towards the ambulance bay.

The bay doors slid open with a pronounced swish. Sam's eyes caught on him immediately, and she made determined progress towards him. Her footsteps must have been heavier than she intended, because before she reached him, he snapped round to face her.

"I hope you're very proud of yourself,"

She opened bitterly, swallowing hard.

"Might have known that _you_ would have something to say -" He returned, equally bitter. "Not at all like you to have an opinion on someone else's life, Sam,"

"Neela's in there crying her eyes out, and Abby's in there dying, and guess who's the common denominator?"

His eyes glittered, dark and angry. Sam didn't flinch. She was alight, determined, spoiling for a fight. A fight she sensed he was only too willing to give to her.

"What do you want, Sam? Really? Because I already know how you feel about - "

Sam cut across him.

"I knew about Mina,"

He only just managed to retain the bitter expression on his face, Sam noted. She stood her ground, unafraid. A woman of purpose, on a mission.

"What?"

"I knew she was pregnant when she left,"

His eyes widened, shock filtering through his veins.

"She told me, about three weeks before she left,"

Sam added – fully opening what had been until this point a carefully sealed can of worms – and waited for the explosion she knew would follow.

"You…you _knew_?"

The words almost choked him, it seemed. Sam shrugged.

"What the fuck? I worked with you for over a _year_ afterwards and you never said anything!"

"And I'd have taken it to my grave, had events not intervened,"

She stated defiantly, working hard to reflect his anger right back at him.

"Oh how very noble of you, Sam - " He paused, snapped his eyes back to meet hers. "I bet you told her to get rid of it, right? After all – you know what it's like to end up with a brat you don't want, tied to some deadbeat dad because of a mistimed fuck,"

"Fuck you, Ray,"

Sam shot back, unable to contain her temper any longer.

"Just give me one damn good reason I didn't deserve to know? Tell me why you - " Fists clenched and unclenched by his side, as he purposely let the word hang for a moment " – you of all people, Sam, let me miss out on being in my child's life?"

"Loyalty, Ray. A word I doubt means much to you,"

The sharp edge of her tongue had fully kicked in now, and the anger that coursed through her was making her words drip with acid.

"_Loyalty_? Don't make me laugh, Sam!"

"She asked me not to tell you! I told her…I told her she'd regret it."

She had. She'd told Neela she'd forever be tied to him this way. That running away _isn't_ always an option. His eyes told her he didn't believe her.

"Yeah, right. You expect me to believe that now?"

"I don't care what the fuck you believe, Ray, I really don't,"

Her words cut the air like a knife, left an empty, expectant silence between them. It was a long moment before he spoke again.

"So, whose idea was running away? Because that smacks of you, Sam, isn't it your answer to everything?"

The words were supposed to hurt. The barb was resentful, dripping with malice and fury. She barely flinched, holding her ground.

"That was all her. I had nothing to do with that,"

"But you knew where she was?"

"Yes,"

She returned simply. Another dead silence, in which she watched him intently. His gaze was aside, trying to gather his reserves for yet another attack. She rallied herself.

"I don't get you, Sam. I don't. You forgave _her_, you _lied _for her…what made what she did less wrong?"

"You were the fuck up! You were the one who screwed around on the one person who needed you most!"

The tone of her voice rose over the course of her tirade, almost reaching its peak when she had to break for breath.

"You couldn't be relied on, Ray. You'd fucked Abby over, why should any of us have thought you wouldn't turn around and do the _exact_ same thing to Neela?"

Her rant reached its crescendo, echoing around them. He opened his mouth to speak, but she was quicker.

"It'd have been ok for a while, sure, but as soon as the going got tough, how did we…how did _I_ know you wouldn't get bored with her too?"

She lowered her tone again, every word low and sarcastic instead. She crossed her arms across her bump, squared her shoulders.

"I sure as hell couldn't see her go through that."

Sam finished with a bitter flourish.

"That's what you think happened? I _got bored_! I backed out because the going got too tough?"

He merely glared at her, unrepentant in his anger.

"You think that little of me? I don't have any depth whatsoever in your opinion."

His voice changed – the tone abrasively derisive – but the passion, the anger was still omnipresent in his eyes.

"You're actually going to try and defend - "

He threw up a hand to stop her in her tracks. She ran a frustrated hand through her hair, sorely tempted to walk away.

"Yes, Sam, because I have a damn good defence."

Sam arched her eyebrows, waited for him to continue.

"Abby never told you, did she? No, right enough, I bet she didn't."

The laugh was mocking, cruel. Sam's eyes twitched, suddenly uncomfortable.

"Before Nature so conveniently did it for her, she was going to kill my child anyway. She never wanted that baby!"

She flinched - she couldn't help it. The pain in his expression was far too visceral even now to bear. Her heart jumped wildly, as she realised he had. He had wanted it.

"She pretended she did. We were making plans, the whole deal. Whole time she was making plans to have an abortion, behind my back. And I only found out by accident! By _accident_, Sam, can you even imagine how that felt?"

He was yelling by this point, hammering every word home to her, hoping to make her feel even half of what he'd felt. She tried not to give anything away, retaining her defiant stance.

"She was cold, distant, long before the miscarriage. She didn't need me, Sam, she didn't need anyone. Abby just loves to play the martyr, she always has,"

He laughed again, bitterly, recalling his previous conversation with Abby.

"Truth is, she pushed me away long before I finally jumped. I was only good for one thing, until that one thing got too damn complicated,"

Sam couldn't say anything. Paralysed, it seemed, by what? Fear? Guilt? She stared intently at his expression, the little half-smile that didn't match his eyes.

"See what you've done with half a story, Sam? You've fucked up! You've deprived me of 5 years of Mina's life!"

He paused, rant unfinished. Sam remained frozen.

"_5 years_! I can't get that time back! She's my little girl, and I don't know her."

He stopped, sighed heavily, and continued in a lower tone.

"So, thanks very much for that,"

His parting shot buried itself, as it was intended to, deep into her heart. He stormed off into the distance, left her standing there, dumbstruck and confused, and only clear on one thing. She needed to talk to Abby.


	20. Secrets and Lies Chapter 20

Authors Notes: After long weeks, interrupted by such banalities as finishing my degree and going on holiday, I've managed to finish another chapter. There is still cursing ahead, but it's nowhere close to the previous two chapters – but thought I'd put the warning in there anyways.

**Secrets and Lies – Chapter 20**

Sam slipped into the room virtually unnoticed, closing the door softly behind her. She knew almost exactly what she wanted to say, but not exactly how she was going to say it. It was time for the lying to end though.

"Abby,"

The brunette didn't flinch at the sound of her name, seeing only the coolness in Sam's eyes. The nurse kept her expression purposefully distant as she crossed the space to stand by the side of the bed.

"How are you feeling?"

Sam asked, insincerity only too clear in her tone. She let the silence hang, kept her eyes aside, absentmindedly scanning the monitors and checking the IV bag. Abby's eyes fell heavy on her eventually.

"What do you want, Sam?"

"You to stop pretending you're the victim,"

It was a quick smart answer, emanating smoothly from her lips without a hesitation, and with no notable inflection in her voice. Abby jerked back slightly, opened her mouth to protest.

"Victim? I lost my baby, Sam,"

Abby returned icily.

"The baby you were planning on aborting anyway? - " Sam paused to watch Abby's jaw drop. "Pardon me if even my sympathy is a little tested by that,"

"I…"

"How could you, Abby?" Sam challenged, her expression suddenly tense and ominous. "How could you do that to someone you claimed to love?"

She finished, her hands tight on the bed rail, knuckles turning slowly whiter.

"I did lo - "

Sam cut across her angrily.

"Don't patronise me by even finishing that sentence, Abby."

"What makes you the expert all of a sudden? I thought you hated - "

Abby raised her voice for the first time, a struggle though the effort now was, and met Sam's bitterness with her own.

"I just had a very _interesting _conversation with Ray,"

She paused, realising his name no longer felt as poisonous on her tongue. She faltered at this realisation. Abby recoiled, righteousness stolen from her by the mention of his name.

"Whatever he said - "

Sam raised a hand, and Abby's words fell away from her. It was pointless to try and deny the truth that was already blazing behind Sam's eyes. She couldn't quite believe he'd told her. Abby sighed heavily.

"Abby – don't, OK, just don't. You've already confirmed what he told me,"

"There are two sides to every story, Sam,"

"Yeah. And now I have both of them." Sam retorted sharply, her next words already alive in her throat. "Wasn't he good enough, Abby? Didn't he deserve to know?"

"He wasn't old - " Abby stopped herself, corrected her wording carefully. " – Mature enough to understand,"

Sam snorted derisively, and Abby flinched, clearly aware how pathetic she sounded. She knew full well she was defending the indefensible.

"But he was old enough to use for sex? Goddammit, Abby, he wasn't some hopeless teenager, he was old enough to get hurt - "

Sam broke off her vehement defence, ran a frustrated hand through her hair.

"Why the hell am I bothering? You don't care. You never cared,"

She spat coldly, daring Abby to defy her.

"That's not true,"

Abby protested, voice high and strained. Sam tilted her head, her look stripping away all Abby's remaining defences, cutting into her core.

"It was always all about you, Abby, wasn't it?" Sam laughed bitterly. "Your pain, your betrayal."

Abby's mouth twitched as if she wanted to speak, but Sam was infinitely quicker.

"Poor Abby. She lost her baby and her boyfriend cheated on her with her best friend."

The vitriol rolled off her tongue in waves, biting, mocking, just slightly cruel.

"But to be cheated on, doesn't there have to be a relationship there to betray?"

"Sam - "

Abby broke across her, but was soon silenced again.

"See, from what I've heard – you pushed him away long before he finally jumped,"

Sam unclenched and tightened her grip on the railing repeatedly, a fluid, almost hypnotic motion. Abby remained silent, clearly aware that the bitter monologue was as yet unfinished.

"So what was it all for, Abby? Another excuse for you to destroy yourself? Yet another person to blame for your wreck of a life?"

The words danced from her tongue, crystalline and icy, but unstoppable.

"The only person to blame for this tawdry end is you, Abby. You never loved him, but you couldn't bear that she did, could you?"

The question was pointed, jabbing a damaged woman yet further. She thought of Neela, crying her eyes out minutes before, and it was cruel kick in the stomach. Neela had loved him – for what little good it had done her – and Sam had known that.

"She did, and you knew that as well as I do. She had his baby, for crying out loud. By herself – no family, no friends, no job."

Sam watched the words plunge home, burying themselves deep into Abby's heart and hurting like hell.

"Hell, can you _imagine_ how tough that must have been?"

Sam twisted the knife, her words acidic and sarcastic.

"What? She...she what?"

Abby stuttered, seemingly at a loss for words. A smile twisted Sam's lips at this difficulty.

"She has a beautiful little girl. His little girl, Abby," Sam stressed; enjoying watching her cruel jibes hit home with all the force she intended them to. "The one thing you couldn't give him,"

It was a step too far. Sam knew it. Fury twisted into Abby's expression.

"Screw you, Sam. You have no right to - "

"Demand the truth? Why? Is that a right only allowed to you?"

Sam remarked, cutting but offhand.

"Judge me. You have no right to pass judgement on what went on."

Abby continued, instilled with a new vehemence. Sam scoffed.

"No right? Abby, I have every fucking right." She yelled this time, passion and emotion rising in her tone. "Because I have felt guilty for five long years about this – about not coming right out and telling you right away, about knowing she was pregnant - "

A new look of shock filtered onto Abby's face, and Sam decided it was best to quickly steer away from that topic.

"God! I was one of the reasons _he_ left as well. I as good as drove him out of this hospital to protect you,"

She exclaimed, a sharp, exasperated breath piercing the air and providing the necessary punctuation.

"I never asked you to, Sam. I never asked for any of it."

The words were cold, and trying to be hurtful, but there was sadness behind them that Sam couldn't bear. Abby was quite disgustingly pathetic.

"No. No, you didn't." She locked eyes with Abby, forced the doctor to look at her directly. "But that's what friends do, Abby."

She said cuttingly, allowing the briefest of pauses for her to assemble her thoughts again.

"I've been working with half the story for a long time, and I've hurt people because of it."

Sam thought not of Neela, but of the look in his eyes when she'd so cruelly told him she'd known all along.

"But my eyes are wide open now – and I can see it for what it really was - "

Sam broke off, unable to bring the full horror of the situation they all found themselves tangled up in into words. It didn't boil down to a simple sentence. Abby regarded her coolly, a disquieting evenness settling back over her face.

"What do you want me to say?"

She asked calmly. Sam summoned all her reserves for one last parting shot.

"I just don't want you to die a victim, it's better than you deserve."

She delivered it with all the power her by now nearly spent reserves had left. It had been a long and emotional night so far. And, she knew, it was far from over yet.


	21. Secrets and Lies Chapter 21

**Secrets and Lies **

**Chapter 21**

Life was draining out of her slowly, leaving a growing black hole where she used to be, just as her humanity had drained from her and left her this hollow shell

_"So what was it all for, Abby? Another excuse for you to destroy yourself? Yet another person to blame for your wreck of a life?"_

There had been a sense of glee in the way Sam had said those words. They rattled around in her head, irritating her as she tried to sleep, tried to ease the discomfort. It would be easier if she could just slip away quietly in her sleep.

"_The only person to blame for this tawdry end is you, Abby. You never loved him, but you couldn't bear that she did, could you?"_

Sam's vitriol had been never-ending. Blow after blow – vicious and visceral – rained the truth down on her, until she was drowning in a sea of her own lies, her own deceit, her own deep-seated neuroses. A hand gripped the bed sheet, contorted in distress, and her face creased.

"_Same way you can still play the victim, Abby. I don't hate you…don't flatter yourself by thinking that…I did for a long time…now, now I just pity you,"_

His words now – echoing in the vastness of her skull – a torture she rightly deserved. He had seen right through her – and it seemed they were at an impasse – neither hating the other, neither able to forgive the other.

She turned over in a vain attempt to find a more comfortable position. Her body complained at the movement. She screwed her eyes shut, but was bombarded with images. Images of today intermingled with those of 5 years ago. Bitter, hurt faces, stung by anger, tainted by hatred. Her own, and those of the others she'd tied up in her mess.

The death certificate may read 'Abigail Marjorie Lockhart, M.D.' and give today's date, but in reality, that person has been dead since a cold day in early November 2005. Her life since then has not been living but existing, twisted up by lies, driven mad by selfishness, so determined to hurt others that she ended up killing herself.

This had been designed to be one last twist of the knife, one last chance to see them suffer, but glancing around the room, Abby knew she had failed. Her plan had come unhinged somewhere along the line, and they were here not to suffer, but to make sure it was finally over.

She was dying with no dignity at all – on display like a caged animal – her final, agonising throes being watched, and she thought, no doubt enjoyed by a captive audience.

The only person around her who had any compassion left for her was Susan. Abby opened her eyes, glanced over at the blonde. Her head was bowed so all that she could see was the perfectly straight centre parting. Abby smiled wistfully. Susan always was just so. Her life was _just so_. That was one of the things she envied about Susan, yet it frustrated her too. Susan was just a little too straight down the line sometimes. She tolerated Abby's deviations, but only because she didn't know the whole truth. The sordid truth shared by the other four people present would horrify Susan. Of that Abby had absolutely no doubt. It would offend her sensibilities.

Abby's eyes travelled across the room, focussed instead on Sam. The nurse stood, in her by now customary hands-on-hips stance, her stare locked directly onto Abby. She flicked her eyes away when Abby looked at her. The expression on her face was vaguely triumphant. What had she achieved today, Abby wondered, that gave her the right to triumph? Surely, there was nothing in this situation that could possibly make her feel that way.

Sam's eyes had been unflinching though, boring a hole right through her. How could she do that? Even Susan - the woman who was supposed to be her best friend, in this room the woman who was her only friend - couldn't do that. Abby guessed that was the reason Susan was still around. She couldn't see how ugly Abby really was on the inside. How twisted up and neurotic she was, and how cruel she could be to her fellow human beings.

Sam knew all that. Sam understood something of human frailties, of the decisions and mistakes that dragged them all here that Susan couldn't. Susan would never understand not wanting a baby, where Sam could. Susan wouldn't tolerate the lies the same way that Sam had for 5 years. Susan lacked something of Sam's passion. Despite the fact that she'd been unbearably angry, Abby had to grudgingly respect Sam. She hadn't been afraid to just come right out and ask the tough questions. Tough questions to which Abby had not, and never would have, any answers.

Susan had been useful for sympathy. For someone who was on her side, no matter what, and she wasn't about to throw that away now. Sam wanted to tell the attending, the words lay just on the surface of her tongue, but Abby knew she wouldn't. Not while she still lived and breathed. Once she was dead, Sam could do what the hell she liked. Abby wouldn't care anymore.

Finally, she'd be free from being judged for the decisions she'd made, judged by the people she had hurt. Free from the glare of secrets that finally lay bare, of the truth of her ugly, disfigured lies being open to the world. The web of secrets and lies she had tied them all into had come spectacularly unstuck – but she wasn't the one who had to deal with the fallout.

The muscles under her eyes twitched, as if she wanted to cry but no tears were there. No tears, just pain and death, and hatred where perhaps once there had been a shred, a flicker of love.

Her eyes passed onto him. He looked uncomfortable, ill at ease in the situation. He met her eyes briefly. Had he always had such startlingly green eyes? Or did they just look like that now because they were so…alive? So vital. His eyes were cold, sharp like cut glass – strong on the outside, but press hard enough and he'll break. She knew that. She knew exactly how much pressure it took to break him.

There was any number of excuses for what happened – bad timing, age, work pressure – but the fact was that it was never real. If it had been, it would be there in his eyes now, and it wasn't.

He was the only one of the three who was looking directly at her and that took some determination. She knew they were long past forgiveness. Long past apologies. She knew that the only way they could really get past this – that _he_ could get past this – was for her to die. And, as luck would have it, that wasn't far away.

Close by, Neela had her eyes ducked to the floor. Abby's heart jumped. Too close to be accidental. It might not have been like they once had been. But they stood close enough to wring out her heart. It was another turn of the screw, another twist on the knife. For her to see that after all this, they carried on. They had a child; they had a future, even if they couldn't see it right now through all the heartache. They had two things she didn't, and never would, have. A long breath escaped her dry, cracked lips. Had her ruined body been capable of jealousy, she would have felt it, but she was too tired.

Pain wrenched her insides, and she twisted against it. Distress strained through her expression, tensing and bunching beneath her paper thin, yellowed skin. Susan looked up in fright, strode to the side of the bed, taking one clammy hand between both of hers.

"We're here, everyone's here, you can go now…"

Susan affirmed quietly, her face pale and tense. Blue eyes streamed with tears she was no longer ashamed to cry. Abby wished she could reach out to her friend, wipe away the tears she wasn't worth, and tell her it would all be alright. That the world would go on turning, and that she would go on living, and things would eventually go back to normal, even once Abby was long gone. But she couldn't. Susan's heart was breaking for a friend she barely even really knew, and that depth of feeling was both gratifying and terrifying.

Abby let the touch soothe her away, rhythmically accompanying her final slide into the great beyond. After a while, the touch became less real, and the room faded away – dissolving into the darkness beyond. The people around her became no more than disembodied breathing, hanging in the air, and reminding her of what she was about to lose. Her last breath felt much like those before it – except that as she exhaled, the weight and the pain lifted. Her lungs stayed deflated, useless, and the monitor shrilled. Susan let out a little high-pitched yelp, but Abby was too far gone to know.

She will be remembered with pity and in bitterness, and in time, she probably won't be remembered at all. Hardly the end she always imagined, but an end entirely brought to bear by one person. Herself.


	22. Secrets and Lies Chapter 22

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 22**

The brown eyes opened sleepily, blinking a few times to readjust. A taint of fear crept into the dark irises.

"Who're you?"

She mumbled, still slightly sleepy. She quickly came to, pushed herself upright and darted her eyes around the room.

"Where's mommy?"

Mina asked, fear edging her tone.

"She had to be somewhere, Mina."

Luka said softly, trying to allay the child's fright. Mina looked wary.

"And daddy? Where's daddy?"

Mina asked again, voice small and nervous. Luka tried to catch her eyes and smile, remove what Mina obviously viewed as a threat.

"He can't be here right now, Mina. I'm afraid you're stuck with me,"

"Do I know you?" Mina challenged as she wriggled herself into a sitting position, locked her intense eyes on his face. "How'd you know my name?"

"Mina, I was here earlier – my name's Luka, I'm married to Sam."

Mina softened at the mention of Sam's name. Luka smiled to himself. The girl had been quite taken with Sam, and Sam with her if the look on her face was anything to go by. Mina grabbed for the bear that had fallen away from her in sleep, but ended up snatching at air as she misjudged the distance.

"Here - " Luka handed her the soft toy, taking in the girl's appearance fully for the first time – she was a carbon copy of her mother – from the soft, coffee coloured skin, to the deep, questioning brown eyes. "That's a very nice bear. Does he have a name?"

Mina frowned, flicking her gaze between the soft toy and Luka's face. The man smiled gently, and his voice was lilting, comforting. Mina was still unsure. This whole situation was a little frightening. She fastened her arms around the bear, brought it close into her stomach.

"He doesn't have a name," She paused, considering this for a second. "Jenny gave him to me."

"Oh, did she? Who's Jenny – a friend from home?"

"Jenny's mommy's friend. She lives with us." Mina elaborated. "She takes care of me when mommy has to work."

"Neela - " Luka stopped, corrected himself. "Mommy has a job? What does she do?"

Mina furrowed her brow in a gesture so reminiscent of her mother it was frightening, stared intently at him with those intense brown eyes.

"Did you know mommy?"

She asked, clearly puzzled. Luka nodded.

"Before you were born, when she worked here,"

He clarified.

"Was she a doctor? Like you?" Mina asked, taking in the white coat and stethoscope. Luka smiled slowly. Clearly, whatever Neela did now, it wasn't in the medical field.

"She still is. She'll always be a doctor."

Mina faltered a second, unable to quite grasp the intricacies of his answer, before speaking again.

"What about daddy? Did you know him too?"

There was a pause, wherein Luka considered his answer carefully. Mina had clearly only just met her father, and wasn't old enough to process the complications behind her conception, the complexities of adult emotion.

"I did, Mina, yes."

Mina tilted her head, her small features solemn, considering her next words carefully.

"I just met daddy today." Mina stated eventually. "Until now it's just been me, mom and Jenny at home,"

"Oh. That must have been exciting." Luka said, finding the child increasingly difficult to read. "Coming to a new city, meeting your dad for the first time. It's been a big day for you."

"Mommy always said daddy lived far away." Mina mused, regarding her companion thoughtfully. "But Chicago doesn't seem that far away."

"Where do you and mommy live?"

"Lincoln." Mina answered. "We got the bus here."

"You're right, sweetheart, Lincoln isn't that far away." Luka replied, his geography of Illinois rusty but not that rusty it seemed. "It's only about 2 and a half hours away."

"So daddy will be able to come and visit us when we go back?" Mina's energy returned, her whole body upright and practically quivering with excitement.

"Maybe."

He kept his reply as non-committal as he could, knowing it was best not to get the girl's hopes up. He didn't know what had come to pass between Mina's parents, but by the look on Neela's face last time he saw her it hadn't been pleasant.

"He could come up for the weekend and stay with us. That'd be great." Mina enthused, her eyes bubbling and bright. "There's so much I need to show him."

"Why don't you wait and see what mommy has to say first, Mina?" Luka spoke softly, patiently. He was trying to distil some of her excitement, but Mina would not be deterred it seemed. Precocious to a fault – Luka knew exactly where the 5 year old got that.

"He's my daddy." Mina stated, almost petulantly. "She has to let me see him."

Luka considered the child a second, her gaze determined and unflinching.

"Oh, does she indeed?" A third voice intruded into the conversation, artificially bright. Luka twisted on the stool, saw Neela silhouetted in the doorway. Mina looked up at her mother, suddenly less defiant.

"I wasn't…I mean, I didn't." Luka uncharacteristically faltered over his words. Neela smiled, a small, sad smile.

"It's alright." Neela crossed to the bed. "I know what she's like."

Mina gazed at her mother, then across at Luka. Neela's eyes were glistening in the half-light. Mina narrowed her eyes, thought about asking at the same time Luka spoke again.

"She's gone?"

The whisper was more of a statement than a question. Neela nodded. Mina maintained her silence, sensing the inappropriateness of her interrupting. Luka's eyes misted over, barely able to hide how devastated he actually was.

"How are you doing?"

Luka asked gently. Neela's chin dropped onto her chest, her jaw and throat aquiver with repressed tears. Luka stood, pulled her to him. She almost crumpled against him. Mina watched, slightly afraid. Why was her mom so upset?

"It's going to be alright."

He murmured, briefly allowing the emotion to show through. Neela pushed back from the embrace, turned back to Mina.

"Sam's on for another few hours." Luka began. "But I'm off now. I'll drive you both back to our place, you can stay there."

He placed a hand on the back now presented to him. Neela went to shake her head, but Luka cut her off by speaking again.

"You look like you could do with some sleep." He said, matter-of-factly. "And there's nothing more you can do here."

Mina cast her eyes aside, still holding tight to the teddy bear, confused by the scene in front of her. Something more was going on than she knew about, and that was frustrating to her.

These whispered words, her mom crying – this had to add up to something else. But try as she might, Mina couldn't make it make sense.


	23. Secrets and Lies Chapter 23

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 23**

The day had closed in around them, shutting their miserable, melancholy and almost unbearably tense little group off from the rest of the world. The wind howled around the cemetery – baring its teeth to all who dared get in its way. The sky was gun metal in colour, suspended above them heavy and expectant. It was a dark and bitter day. It fitted the occasion perfectly. Late November in Chicago, and it felt for all the world like the weather was reflecting the emotions of those gathered around the isolated graveside.

The select few, with bowed heads, dressed all in black and blending into the dull background, fighting against the cold that cut through their layers and seared their bones. The priest spoke quickly – keen to get the formality over with and retreat inside, where at least it was warm. The mourners may have felt similarly, but they wanted the service over for completely different reasons.

Around the graveside, what few mourners there were for such a bitter isolated woman were each lost in their own thoughts. Each had a very different ache in their heart – not necessarily grief, but perhaps guilt, and maybe even anger.

It had been a tense 48 hours in the ER since Abby died. Sam stared fixedly into the middle distance, contemplating the blur in which the last two days had passed. Her gaze locked onto the trees she could see on the horizon, battered by the winds, and she barely heard the words. She was only here to make sure this actually happened. That this funeral was real, and that tomorrow she would wake up and Abby would be gone from her life forever.

She had barely had time to process Abby's death until this cold, lonely moment in the cemetery, and she was more determined than ever not to cry. Abby didn't deserve her tears, but yet they burned behind her eyes and she couldn't deny that. It was only as she had looked around her fellow mourners that she had realised that her heart was heavy, pounding deep in her chest with a brutally physical ache.

Deep down, she knew it was grief, but if she consciously gave it that name that gave Abby far too much influence over her emotions. That gave the dead woman back the power she'd had for five long years. Now that Sam was in possession of the truth, she was not going to let that happen. Abby had been a friend and a workmate – but the Abby that had been her friend had been a lie, a front, a façade. All the time she was on a self-destructive hiding to nothing, and determined to drag everyone else down with her. Sam allowed herself a long breath, any sound whipped away by the wind.

Her husband tightened his grip on her shoulder instinctively. She glanced up at him fleetingly. His pain was etched into the lines on his face. He had known Abby longer than anyone else gathered here, known her before the miscarriage and the devastating series of events that had followed. And, Sam thought, he'd never laid any blame. He hadn't held any hate. She couldn't understand that, couldn't fathom how he could let someone he had loved at one point in time go through all that and not be mad at someone. But Luka had expended a whole lifetimes worth of anger already, and he had known it wouldn't help. Such was the maturity that came with unbearable tragedy.

On her other side, one slightly trembling gloved hand tightly in her own, was Neela. Sam could see the way Susan's eyes were locked onto Neela, burning into her with a barely restrained hatred but she just held on tighter. Someone had to save Neela from herself, stop her falling apart, and that someone had been Sam. Neela was bowed, broken and guilt ridden. Sam firmly held onto her belief that Neela was a good person in a bad situation.

And Ray. She flicked him a cursory glance. He was a lonely figure, standing slightly separate, hands haphazardly in his pockets. She supposed it was his pain that was the rawest of all. He hadn't just had to deal with Abby dying and all the undoubtedly horrible memories that dragged up, but with the revelation of a 5-year-old child he knew nothing about. She frowned momentarily, thinking of her last words to him, considering them now unnecessarily harsh. He'd grown up in the last few years – losing a baby will do that to anyone – and she realised that what she felt when she looked at him was no longer hate.

Whatever happened 5 years ago, whatever terms the two had parted on – there was child involved now. Sam felt Luka begin to move, and automatically her legs began to follow. Mina would always have to come above either of them now, and Sam knew she had to play her part. She had to apologise, whatever blow that might cause her pride. Neela had done a great job by herself, but she knew what it was to be single mother, and it only got harder. She'd need him around, even if she didn't know it.

Susan had moved quickly, and was now blocking the threesomes' path from the graveside, an immoveable presence. Sam sighed, tensed her shoulders. Luka's hand dropped away. Susan's denial about the whole situation was infuriating. Her righteousness had grated on Sam's nerves over the last two days. She had been callous, cruel and judgemental and there had been so many moments that Sam had wanted to smack her. Susan didn't know what had really gone on – she was still working with half a story, and Sam knew only too well how much hurt that could cause.

The blue eyes looked fit to bore a hole right through the former intern, and Sam didn't know how much Neela could take today. She braced herself to intervene. Susan might just be about to step on her last nerve, and she was in no mood to let that lie today. The secrets and lies – it was about time they stopped for good.

"What are you doing here?" Susan challenged angrily. "Haven't you done enough?"

Neela bit back tears. Everyone around heard the angry words, cutting through the raging wind and weather.

"Susan - " His voice this time. Susan wheeled and cut across him.

"Don't get me started on you. Just don't." Susan continued bitterly, alternating her gaze between Neela and Ray. "After all you did to Abby. Are the two of you satisfied? She died because of what you did."

Susan broke off, choked back a sob, but it was clear her rant was unfinished. The small gathering remained, still and silent.

"She needed you! Both of you. And where were you? Screwing around behind her back." The words tore through the air, painfully audible even over the wind. "What did she ever do to deserve that?"

The blonde finished defiantly, folding her arms across her chest.

"That's it. Susan, I've had enough." Sam interjected viciously. "Enough of the St Abby card."

She threw up her hands, gave an exasperated sigh. Luka backed down from initial attempts to stop her interfering, and stood mute on the sidelines.

"Are you really naïve enough to believe Abby was blameless?" Sam continued.

"Abby did - "

"Nothing wrong? Spare me, Susan." Sam turned instead to him; standing hunched as if he wished the ground would just open up and swallow him.

"Are you going to tell her or am I?" She challenged. He said nothing, struck dumb apparently.

"Fine! I'll do it. There's a key piece of information you're missing about your best friend, Dr Lewis."

There was long silence, in which Sam's sarcasm hung between the funeral party, heavy and fetid in the air.

"Did you know she wasn't planning on keeping that baby any road?" Susan's mouth gaped as if she wanted to say something, but Sam's reflexes were the quicker.

"Really. She was going to have an abortion – and she was going to do it behind his back," She exchanged a glance with him – seeing their argument clearly in her minds eye.

"I fully accept that what they did was wrong. But please, don't walk away from this thinking Abby is blameless, because she isn't." Susan's jaw was practically on the floor. Neela was crying, silent tears. Luka and Ray just looked on – the former in shock, the latter in a stunned disbelief.

"And Susan, she died because she was an alcoholic – and that was no one's fault but her own." Sam finished with a bitter flourish, turned on her heel and walked away before Susan could fully process the information.

"Come on, Susan. Let's go." Chuck put an arm around his wife's shoulders, guided her from the scene gently, leaving the three remaining mourners in a shocked silence.


	24. Secrets and Lies Chapter 24

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 24**

Ray watched Sam's back recede across the cemetery, taking long purposeful strides. Clearly fleeing the scene, he thought. She swiped a couple of times at her hair, torn loose from its ponytail by the wicked wind and swirling uncontrollably around her head.

She was fiercely stubborn, utterly determined and probably feeling that awful twist of guilt for kicking someone when they were already down. He averted his gaze from the petite nurse, and looked instead at Neela and Luka. Luka happened to look up, and something – he wasn't sure what – passed between them. An unspoken agreement – that Luka would take care of Neela if Ray wanted to go after Sam. It probably wasn't the way it should be – Luka was after all her husband – but he suspected the older doctor knew Ray had more to say to his wife at the moment than he did. And that he'd be little to no use dealing with Neela, as the two of them were barely on speaking terms.

The Croat placed a hand gently on Neela's arm, met her sad gaze with a soft smile, and wordlessly they began to walk back towards the car park. Ray, however, turned and made tracks after Sam. He scanned ahead of him, but she had disappeared from his line of vision entirely. His face folded into a frown as he looked, following the path across the graveyard he'd seen her take moments before. She was heavily pregnant – 7 or 8 months gone – so he reasoned that she couldn't have gotten very far without stopping.

He probably would have walked right past her if he hadn't heard the strangled sounds of someone struggling to regain their breath; his ears keen to the sound.

"Sam?" He reached out a hand to touch her shoulder, but her head snapped up, as his hand was mid-air so he recoiled. Her curls fell haphazardly back, a few sticking to the damp skin on her face, and she was quick to scrape them away and scrub her eyes.

"You OK?"

The question came naturally, and he watched her try to smile. He sat down beside her, careful to maintain a safe distance, and she turned to him.

"Braxton-Hicks." She stated matter-of-factly, her breath still slightly shallow. Ray considered her carefully, but said nothing. "I got them with Alex and Louisa too."

"Are you sure? You don't want to - "

"No, thanks. I'm sure. I just need to sit here for a while," He wasn't sure whether she was annoyed by his interference, but she hadn't told him to get lost yet so he supposed that was positive. "Guess the last few days haven't been that great for the baby."

One hand rubbed her stomach thoughtfully, considering Luka's words to her just after Abby died – when she was rushing around, trying to get a million and one things done. He'd told her to slow down. The look currently on Ray's face said pretty much the same thing, now she thought about it. Was he concerned? Had they suddenly crossed into a parallel universe where he actually_gave_a damn?

"Probably not." He agreed eventually. "Look, if it gets worse - "

She nodded. "What did you really come here to say? Because I get the feeling it wasn't to enquire after my health."

He averted his eyes, stared intently at a small patch of bare ground between his feet. The silence hung there, and he knew he had to fill it.

"What you said back there to Susan - " He faltered, excess words falling from his lips in an effort to avoid saying what he really needed to. "I guess I owe you thanks for that."

Sam's eyes widened.

"Honestly?" She said sharply, catching his attention back and meeting his eyes again. "Honestly? I didn't do it for you…the secrets and lies, Ray, they had to end sometime."

He nodded an acknowledgement, sensing Sam wasn't quite finished.

"Susan - " Sam paused, aware of the hypocrisy of her next statement. "Susan was working with half a story."

A smile touched the corners of her mouth.

"And yes, I do know how hypocritical that statement seems coming from me."

"Susan wanted to believe the best of her friend." The words were thoughtful, contemplative even. He drew in a long breath, attempted to play down the bitterness. "Even though there was no best to believe in."

Ray sighed.

"Making Neela and I the bad guys? You know yourself how easy that was."

Sam opened her mouth to protest.

"Sam, don't. OK. I didn't come here to fight with you again." He shrugged, defeated. "What's the point? All that's said has been said and it's not like we can hurt each other any more."

Her jaw dropped very slightly.

"No." She managed eventually. "No, I guess that's true."

"Luka took Neela home," He offered – trying to fill the silence with something useful. "In case you wondered why it was me that came after you."

"Yeah. I figured." Sam's words were heavy and knowing, followed by a long exhalation. "She's been staying with us."

The information registered, but barely mattered.

"She…she looked pretty upset." His tone was shaky. He was broaching what was still a touchy subject for him, and wasn't sure what Sam's take on the whole situation actually was. Clearly, she wasn't mad anymore.

"I wasn't sure how much more Neela could take - " Sam broke off, her hazel eyes intense as they scrutinised him for a reaction. He worked very hard to keep his expression neutral. "It's been a tough few days."

"Yeah."

The word escaped as a sigh, and his head dropped to rest on his hands, staring at the ground once more.

"I know it's been tough on you too." Sam admitted softly. "And I didn't really help that by going off at you."

"It's - "

She shook her head vehemently.

"No, Ray, it's not OK." She stated firmly. "I was out of order, and I apologise."

Now_this_was a parallel universe, she thought, taking the dent in her pride smoothly in stride. Ray heard what Sam was saying, but it took a moment before the words fully registered. And when they did, what they meant registered sharply.

"I was out of line. I acted like an idiot." She gave a bitter laugh. "I went off with half a story, and I messed up."

She paused again.

"And God knows, you have no reason to believe I'm sincere. I've lied to you before, right? And that makes me as bad as Abby and Neela - " She threw up a hand to stop him from interfering. "No. It does. You've been lied to and you've been cheated and you have absolutely no reason to trust either of us again."

"But you have to - " Sam impressed heavily. "I don't need you to trust me again. But I need you to trust her again."

"Sam – I appreciate what you're saying…"

"We conspired to keep Mina from you, consciously or unconsciously, and that was wrong." Sam admitted, brutal honesty in her expressive, ever-changing hazel eyes, which caught and held his gaze. "But in my experience, life isn't in the habit of handing out second chances lightly."

She sighed.

"Lost time is lost time, and I'm sorry for my part in that, but there's a whole future to be a part of. Mina's got a lot of growing to do yet."

Sam thought back to the days when Alex had been 5. Time flew – her son was nearly 18 – and she suddenly felt very world-weary.

"And something tells me given half a chance, your daughter would be the daddy's girl from hell."

Sam tried to laugh, but found instead that a tear slipped from her eye. He maintained the eye contact – trying to take her words on board without submitting to his own emotions. But as she broke, he knew he probably would too.

"The only person in this you owe anything to is your daughter."

His daughter? Those words still felt ever so slightly foreign. He'd been rolling them around in his brain for nearly three days now – and still the exquisite little creature that had been introduced to him as his little girl still didn't seem real. How could he possibly have created something_that_perfect? Sam wasn't finished, and her words soon captured his attention again.

"Trust me when I say – once there's a child involved, you don't come first anymore. You both owe it to Mina to try and get along." Sam stressed.

"Don't exclude yourself because of how you feel about Neela. Go and visit on weekends and get to know Mina."

In a former life, he would probably have laughed at the idea of Sam dishing out parenting advice but now – and this was odd – she sounded worryingly like the voice of reason. Her words rang true but his heart ached because he knew how difficult it was going to be. Change was never easy.

"Otherwise, you will regret it for the rest of your life."

The truth in the solemn words was allowed to hang in the air for a second, before Sam animatedly gestured back along the path they'd both traversed mere minutes ago.

"Abby is finally dead. When she died, everything she did ceased to matter. She ceased to matter – to any of us, not just you." Her voice strained to breaking point, the pain in her heart finally swelling to consume her entire body. "She's no longer an issue."

The words were high-pitched, almost desperate. The lump in her throat caught her off guard, and she knew her next words would be a struggle. What was this? The funeral couldn't make her cry but_he_could?

"So please, promise me one thing will you? Work it out." The words were sharp in his ears, pleading and desperate.

"Make this work, Ray, prove that you're worth something. Prove that you were worth the love she felt for you."

She impressed the words with all the meaning she had left, but her voice cracked and more tears trailed down her cheeks, salted and stinging her skin. She sniffed and covered her mouth with one hand, embarrassed.

"Sorry. Damn hormones." The more she tried to cover her crying, the worse it seemed to be, and the further it pushed him towards tears himself. She reached for her bag with her free hand – in need of a tissue to stem the tide – found herself fumbling with the zip. "I'm not normally - "

"Sam - " He broke across her emotional babbling. His hand over hers stilled the frantic search and she looked up, surprised. He bit his lower lip, tried to put a hold on the emotion in his voice. The sheen on his eyes belied him – but that he didn't try to hide. "I promise."


	25. Secrets and Lies Chapter 25

Authors Notes: A huge thank you to everyone who has reviewed this story, and stuck with it the whole way – right to the bitter end, that is, this chapter. Yep, folks, that's it – Secrets and Lies has run its course. 

It all started as a very random idea I had one day, and it has spiralled into something bigger than I could ever have imagined it would. Ash – you know we wouldn't be here without your constant encouragement, occasionally beta-ing and prodding – can't thank you enough for all of that.

**Secrets and Lies**

**Chapter 25**

Neela felt the familiarity as a dull blow to her chest – low and aching – but intense enough to steal her breath away. It was like stepping back in time – everything about the building felt the same – it even smelled the same. Everything felt the same except that this was no longer her home and she no longer felt safe here.

She lingered in the hallway long enough to trace her finger over the old, brass mailbox. The only place their names were ever written side by side on brazen display, except for on Mina's birth certificate. To those on the outside, they had been roommates. To those on the inside, lovers. Mina proved that.

Neela stifled a small smile of satisfaction when she realised that the name that had replaced hers was Bret's. She guessed that made sense – he'd spent the most time in their apartment of any of Ray's friends – and she had left Ray in the lurch with rent to pay. At least it wasn't another woman's name, she reasoned, because that would complicate any arrangements they made regarding Mina. Mina needed to get to know her father; any new girlfriend would just confuse matters. Not to mention the fact, she mused, that a new woman would mean he'd moved on.

The last time she saw this building, it was a dark March evening. The 20th if she remembered correctly. He had just headed in to work, so she had taken her opportunity. She had left her key, a note and a cheque for that month's rent on the table, and slipped out the door. Her sensibilities had been firmly in place, even if her heart had been broken. The memory would be amusing if it wasn't so tragic. She always was a head over heart girl, even when she was running away from a broken heart.

Every step she had taken away from their front door that night had felt like she was treading on another piece of her broken heart, but she had kept walking. Now she was walking right back, and 5 years evaporated to nothing in seconds. As she climbed the stairs she was bombarded with a series of images, each more intense than the last. How could she ever have thought this would be easy? She was returning to the apartment where she betrayed a friend, gained a lover, conceived her child and broke a heart. This was the epicentre of the affair; this was her ground zero, where her world had imploded.

The conversation that drove her here had occurred yesterday, after Sam returned from the funeral service. Sam, complete with bloodshot eyes and a grim expression, had taken Neela aside just before dinner. She had explained that she had had a conversation with Ray; but she had avoided mentioning the specifics of what had been said. Sam had only stressed that now might be the time to try and talk to him.

As a result, she had barely slept last night. She had spent a great proportion of the night staring at the ceiling blankly. She reran their last conversation in her head repeatedly – wondered if she would be able to bear that viciousness again, wondered if she was strong enough to cope. Even now, she wasn't sure.

The funeral service had been awful. She had stood there beside Sam and just watched him. All she could think of was how lost he looked, as if hadn't quite shaken the last of his immaturity and he was feeling it heavier than ever. She had wanted nothing more than to give him someone to lean on. He needed someone, but that couldn't be her. Not anymore. That had poured acid on an already damaged heart and left her open to attack.

With Abby's burial, it would be easy to assume that they had shaken off the last of the chains that so tied them to the past. That it would be easier now for them to make a fresh start of things, for the sake of their daughter, but with every step she took she doubted that a little more. What had happened…a lifetime would struggle to heal.

Neela raised a hand to the doorbell, pressed for a few seconds and waited impatiently – eyes down, staring at her shoes. She almost hoped he wasn't in. Then she could just shove the paper under his doormat and run away again – the coward's way out perhaps, but certainly a more appealing one.

The door opened and she swung her gaze upwards, braced herself. The room was hauntingly familiar. She had to blink a few times, the breath caught in her throat, and she was momentarily thrown. He regarded her curiously, but not with any hint of irritation.

"I know I'm not welcome." She opened. "But I had to try. The way we left things - "

Words went unsaid, but their meaning did not. His previous parting shot pervaded the silence between them. After a long minute, he took a step back.

"Come in."

Still feeling mildly dazed, she stepped past him into her old living room. The furniture had been shifted around. There was a new rug under the coffee table. There was a new TV and DVD player in the corner, and some of the pictures had been changed. There was distinctly more clutter about the place than when she'd lived here. Everything looked to be coated with a filmy layer of dust, and she bit back the urge to run her finger over the nearest polished surface and look disapproving. That wasn't her place anymore. It was the same couch, just positioned differently, she realised, feeling her skin burn. Her gaze switched hurriedly from the couch back to him.

The uncomfortable silence lay between them for a few moments. Heat prickled at her neck, and a bewildering sense of comfort and transient happiness washed over her. A happiness she realised now had been confined between these four walls. She glanced over at the hallway, down which lay the door to her old room, and found herself almost completely overwhelmed. This was an emotional hailstorm, and she was getting pelted left, right and centre.

Nowhere she looked didn't she find reminders of the past. It was as if time had stood still, and she had walked right back into their apartment of 5 years ago. That was terrifying. But then she looked at him – older, harder, maybe technically a little wiser – and she knew that time had passed.

"So, when are you heading back?"

It was a casual, almost breezy remark, but he didn't meet her eyes – preferring to focus on a spot in the middle distance over her left shoulder. She sighed before answering.

"Tomorrow." At this word, his gaze snapped onto her instantaneously. She shrugged. "Mina has school, and I've got to get back to work."

His gaze remained on her, struggling to process how quickly this had all turned around. His head was already reeling, and he'd figured that maybe he and Neela would have a week or so to allow things to settle down and sort things out. Tomorrow? He forced himself to focus. If that's how it's going to be, then let's make best. Don't get angry with her again; don't let her leave thinking you're pissed with her.

Sam was right. If he didn't make the effort to get to know his daughter now, he would live the rest of his life regretting it. It was different now he knew that there was another human being sharing half of his DNA out there, different because he knew he never wouldn't feel that – Mina was a part of him now. And he couldn't bear Mina finding him in 10 or 15 years, demanding answers – why hadn't he stuck around? Why had he been such a damn coward? He couldn't damage his daughter the way he himself had been damaged.

"Right."

He spoke for the sake of it, to fill the gap left for his response. Yet another oppressive silence. She shuffled – cursing her emotional inadequacy – and sternly told herself just to say what she had come to say. To be brave now in a way she hadn't been 5 years ago, and to try and mend bridges she had long feared washed away.

"What you said - " She faltered, but he didn't interrupt. "You were right. I did throw away what trust you had in me – and I'm probably not the woman you knew."

His words filtered back to haunt him again.

"I didn't mean - "

"Please. Let me say what I've got to, will you?" She interrupted firmly, knowing that if she didn't let it all tumble out of her now, then it would most likely be locked inside her forever and she didn't think she could bear that.

"Don't ever think for a minute that what I did was easy on me. Don't think that I didn't think of you pretty much every day from the day she was born."

Her lips curled into a sad smile.

"I thought of you pretty much every day before she was born too, come to think of it." Neela finished wistfully. She met his eyes, but the truth there was far too stark to bear. _She_ had walked away. _She_ had left _him_. The hurt of abandonment in this situation? That was his and his alone to feel.

"I know what I did was wrong. But once I'd gone," The words almost choked her.

"Once I'd gone it was an irretrievable situation. I couldn't come back."

She blinked rapidly, trying not to cry.

"Abby hated me, you were in pieces - " She broke off.

"I chose not to expose my baby to that. I chose to give her the happiest upbringing I knew how." She shrugged, not caring if he believed her or not. "You can't deny her that."

"And as for not being the woman you knew?"

The words had stung her coming from his lips, and so they were instilled with a biting sarcasm she couldn't very well hide.

"Well. No. The woman you knew? She was just a little girl herself, playing at being a grown up. I'm a mother now. I've learned the hard way that I don't come first anymore, she does. I won't – no, I can't – apologise for that."

"You finished? - " The question wasn't angry, or bitter, just firm. She looked up and swallowed hard, nodding gently. "Good. Because I've got a little inner monologue of my own I'd like to share with you."

He drew a long breath.

"I'll be honest – I've done more soul-searching in the last three days than I've done in a very long time."

And slept less too – he reasoned. He sighed. It was true. Since Abby died, and that awful night at the hospital, he could count the number of hours sleep he had had on his fingers.

"Abby dying - " Ray shivered – he had looked Abby square in the eye as she died – and he let her know in no uncertain terms in that look that he wasn't sad to see her go. What kind of a person did that make him? His train of thought returned to Neela with a jolt.

"Well, I thought that would be hardest thing to deal with. But I was wrong." He paused, catching her eye. He hoped he imagined the glisten he saw there. No more tears, Neela, not over this.

"Seeing you again – that was the hardest thing."

His words, dripping with naked honesty, drilled home hard. She remembered the way seeing him again had felt – knowing he was sure to hate her, but not knowing how to hate him in return.

"When you left, damn, it was hard to see a reason to keep on living sometimes, you know? Well, I guess you don't." He shrugged, the hurt written on his face increasingly hard to bear. "You had something to live for."

Neela unconsciously crossed an arm over her stomach. She could barely believe he had just said that. Something to live for? Something that had ripped her from a life where for the first time she was truly happy? She wanted to rage – tell him how she had stood in a bathroom not 20 feet from where they currently stood and watched her life slip away from her – watched that little line appear and change everything forever.

How every damn day after that until she left, she lived _in spite_ of her baby, not _for _it. How she had had to leave otherwise there was a very real risk of neither her nor the baby making it through. Leaving had been damage control. Damage control, she thought bitterly. How was it that the fallout still felt like a freight train collision?

"I thought you were in the past. My life had moved on, moved past you."

Moved on? The way he was looking at her, she knew he didn't mean it. There was far too much emotion burning there for him to mean it. She wished he'd stop trying to push her away, stop trying to hurt her. This wasn't what this was about.

"I don't mean this to sound cruel, but what did you expect me to do?" He didn't like the bitterness creeping into his voice, and it was stinging her that he could see. "I didn't know where you were, what you were doing, who you were with."

Ray paused, mind racing. In all honesty, it was the who she was with part that had troubled him the most especially in the days just after she left. She said nothing, so only the faint sound of breathing filled the silence.

"To find out you were two and a half hours away raising my child?"

The shock – first of finding out where she'd been for the last 5 years, and then of hearing the words "_our daughter_" – still had an astonishing clarity and strained his voice to breaking point.

"Not what I expected." Ray finished sarcastically. He stared right into her brown eyes and saw that - consciously or unconsciously – she was crying.

"I got mad, I shot my mouth off and I said some damn unforgivable things. I was angry -" He stopped, corrected himself. "I am angry. But I have a daughter, and I won't walk away from that - "

Her hands fumbled in her jeans pocket, and the movement broke his train of thought. She searched, increasingly frantic, until her fingers caught what she was looking for. The folded piece of notepaper she had put in there before she'd left Sam's.

A shaking hand proffered the note, white paper stark against the dark skin. Ray hesitated – eyeing the paper with considerable suspicion. Her free hand wiped at a stray tear.

"What's this?"

"My phone number and address in Lincoln." She stated matter of factly, betrayed by the quiver in her voice. "I want you to be in her life."

Neela finished, boldly maintaining eye contact. He reached out tentatively and took the paper from her palm. She noted that he was trembling almost as much as she was.

"Come up on your next weekend off, and we can work out something more permanent."

She was running away again. Only this time, it hurt less that returning to find her key and a note – merely reading 'goodbye' – on the kitchen table. It hurt less than the feeling of being completely abandoned by someone he loved. She was running but – he glanced at the paper in his hand – this time at least he had a chance to catch her up.


End file.
